A New Begining

I hope the title says it all. I love to read other peoples blogs. I used to wonder why have I not been able to be as faithful with my own blog? It boils down to everything else that I have not be fully open with. No one actually knows who I am. It's my own fault. Alot of things have happened to me over the years. It's sad to say but only until recently have I just finally opened up all the way to Michael. He is extremely understanding. It hurt me to tell him what has happened but to see the look on his face as I was telling him was almost as hard. I guess, well I know it was a very big shock to him. Since I have opened up I am finding it hard to handle things like I used to. I used to bottle things up and I still am. I'm trying really hard not to but doing this on my own isn't working.

I'm still kinda in denial about alot of things that happened and am still blaming myself. Michael wants me to talk with someone either that has been through what I have or a counselor. I don't want to right now. There is so much going on and my time is already divided. I don't have time for me. Plus to be honest I don't want to do this without him. My own mother doesn't know what has happened. I assume on maybe somethings she may have her own idea but on others no. So It's hard for me to say. No one knows me, some of this is my own fault. Even my old paster has no idea what happened to me. Only Michael and only recently. I feel like crawling under a rock when ever the thoughts and images come back to my mind. It's like having to relive the whole thing over again and I can't stand it. It'll never go away. I just wish that some day I can handle it. I feel disgusted, I try and pray but I feel so unworthy so, to even talk to him about it. I know this is the wrong thinking but I don't know what to do? Someday I may say here but not now it's too hard.