What do I want?

Michael made a comment while he was home that I have not been able to shake. He made the point of saying that I have formed myself around whatever everyone else wanted or expected of me and that I really don't know who I am. I have thought about this every night. Everyday! You know what, he's right. Who am I? What am I doing? What makes me happy? I have been trying to figure this out and I realize that I am over thinking this and I need to go to the basics and just think about the things that make me happy and go from there.

So, I love to read. Everyone knows that. I could probably live in a library if someone would let me. I would love to have a library of my own, in my own home. I love Michael! (Duh) I love me children and I honestly want more. I love kids I love being around them. Whenever we go to visit family I automatically gravitate toward wherever the children are. At Christmas I watched the twins along with my own to allow Randy to go home and wrap presents. I used to watch children in my home in falmouth. I was dying to get my cousin Leslie's kids and Antonio. I love anything to do with medicine. I love watching all those TV medical shows. I have such a longing to go overseas to another country and help in whatever way I can. This is why I am going to be a medical assistant and later on become a nurse, so that I can do this. I guess if you want to say if I have a dream, this is my dream. I would actually entertain the thought of living in another country at least for a year. With my family, of course. I just have always wanted to know how other countries are. I mean the lord allowed for other cultures and I want to see them. I want to help.

I want a home yes and I would love to fill it with things of course. But those things are not important. I guess what I want most in the world is a Big Family. But in order to have this Michael and I need to be on the same page. I would need him to understand exactly what I am thinking and to feel the same way. Most people would say that two children are plenty. But I have a dream that I have never shared with anyone and I found that later on especially in High School whenever I began to day dream of this I stopped. But Michael and I have been through so much and I have opened up to him and we are to spend the rest of our lives together that I have finally felt safe enough to dream and picture a life with him.

I want four children. I can settle for three but I want four. I can't explain why but all I can say is that I feel it is right. I try to always pray about anything and everything. I would love to own a home someday. But it is not the most important thing. All that matters is God and family. I don't want to hold off our family for a home. Some people would feel that a home and me working needs to be establish before more children can come. But I want them while I am still very young. While Michael is young too. (I also have a female problem that makes getting pregnant take a little bit) We have a friend who is 28 and his only son just turned 1. I mean I'm 23 and have two. Michael and I will be very nice and young and can fully appreciate our kids and retire very young to enjoy our time.

I guess I just want to have the family I didn't have growing up. I want to have my kids and be involved in them as much as I can. I want to talk with them about everything and anything. I want them to know that they can talk to me about anything and not be afraid to talk to their father either. I know things won't be perfect but I just want to be the mother that Christ would have me be and the wife he would have me be also. I want Michael and I to start our own family and I feel that moving here to Indiana was the best chose for our family. Sometimes I find myself want to move back to KY. Not back were we where, but in the northern part. I mean I like the area and it is nice but it's kinda like Florence, in a away.

I mean we needed to move here while Michael was deployed. (It has really helped me become more independent and self reliant.) But before we moved I was actually feeling like I was coming out of my shell when I joined the FRG. I love the FRG in FT Thomas. I feel horrible because I want to participate more than I am now, but I can't. I love the women and the guys and the area. I keep telling myself that Attebury will be the same. There will be other wives and we can move closer to it and I can participate more. But now Michael has changed his mind again and he wants to get a civilian job and go to school. Part of me feels that if he wanted to go to school I would have much rather he have gone first. A really big part of me wants to be a stay at home mom and a volunteer. I want to volunteer at the crisis pregnancy center here in Indianapolis and a volunteer with the FRG. Do things I can include the kids in and help them grow an appreciation for the military. But if I work I don't think I can do this. I mean with Michael gone I've realized how much being with the kids and helping them means. But I'm going to school and I think Michael is ok with me working part time.

I've always whined about how I wanted to work and get out of the house. But those few weekends when I went to the unit with Michael before he left I felt something I hadn't felt before. I felt like I was making a difference. I was doing something very important and the people liked me. They started to know who I was not by Michael's wife but by my name. I mean they were even accepting of when I brought the kids and I even tied Lydia to my back one day and still got alot of work done. I was just so.. so... happy, I felt fulfilled. I loved it. Every time I go to a meeting they need help with something and it's all I can do from raising my hands and saying I'll do it. Like after LEAH was in the accident and they needed someone to take over her job. I so wanted to sat yes, but I knew there was no way.

Maybe I'll feel different once I start my clinical and I get to working. I mean so far I am making good grades. Maybe when I get to the hands on part my feelings will change. I just want to move forward with our lives so bad that I feel like pulling my hair out. I just want Michael to make a decision and stick to it and be all that he can be. He is so smart and he can do anything that he wants. I mean he could have done an INTEL job the Army. He is that smart. I mean every women would love to be able to say hey my husband is in such and such in INTEL. I mean I just swelled up when he heard how high he scored and the recruiters reaction to his scores as well. I mean I love that he's an engineer and that he has pride in what he does but, he can do so much more, but I think he's afraid that people will expect to much from him. I mean to be honest he's never had to deal with that, because his family has never required anything major from him. I think this might have played a role in how our marriage was in the beginning. I kinda feel that I maybe the only person who has really ever expected anything from him major and wanted him to make major decisions. I don't know. That's just how I feel. I just feel like he beats himself up and he's afraid. Of what I'm not totally sure of. But he has such potential. I just hope that this time apart has really benefited him and helped him finally decide what he wants to do. I mean our relationship is awesome and I couldn't ask for more and not feel selfish. I love him so much.

I guess I have rambled on enough. I just kinda feel like I may be getting there and figuring things out. I feel like I can finally be honest and if an argument occurs then I hope not and we can discuss things and come to a mutual decision about everything. I'm going to go now. I actually feel alot better though. I hope if Michael reads this he understands. I love you Honey, I hope I didn't say too much to upset you. Talk later? Love Ya!