Oh I feel awful. I reread what I wrote and I sound like such a baby and so selfish. I mean Michael has sacrificed alot. He left Lydia when she was only four months old. Came back when she was eight and a half months old. Then he left when she was 18 months old and is still gone. I mean he's lost alot of time with her and Gabriel too. It was wrong of me to say so many bad things about him and how he feels. It wasn't fair of me to say those things. Just because I was upset didn't give me the right and I want to say that I am sorry. He has been very good to us. The Army has been good to us. KY is full of some unpleasant memories. I think Michael is Army, even if he is hesitant to say so. I think he is more than he may realize. Which is not a bad thing. I've just been dwelling on all the negative things and I was wrong. There are good things and I just need to see those. Lord help me to see those. I pray every day asking what to do. Every answer is to trust Michael, is the one thing I have yet to fully give into. I want to but if I tell him something like this is up to him he just says no it's up to us both. Then around and around we go. I don't know what to do. I love him I always have and will always do. Just now what do I do?
Maybe he's right and we need to decide to together. But I don't want to! Why do I have to. I'm tired and I'm afraid I may end up keeping him from doing something that he needs to do. What if he regrets it like my father regrets getting out. Michael can become great. What if my feelings blind me? My fear blinds me? Or my stubborn pride brings me to make the wrong decision because I'm scared? Then what do we do? I'm afraid I will be the down fall. I'm afraid what I choose and say will be wrong and I know if I say, get out he will, or stay he will. I just don't want to do that.
Lord please help us. We are so young and are so new to the world still and our family. We want to do what is right in your eyes. We need your strength and courage to see the answers whatever they maybe. Thank you heavenly father for all that you do. Be with us and guide us in all things. Amen!
Look I'll write more later and let you know how things go. Until then later!
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