The Truth, Finally

I can't do it anymore. I need to write it down somewhere and why not here? I need to let out my true feelings about everything. The things I wish to tell Michael but am afraid to tell him. I'm afraid because I think he will actually be upset and get mad but wouldn't tell me. So instead I will say it here since he doesn't read my blog I'm safe to put it here. I don't want him to re-enlist. To retire from the military. I'm very proud of what he has done and I think he should be proud of it too. But I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to worry when the next time it will be for him to leave us. If the next time, will he get hurt. If he'll even come home at all. I want to have a nice calm family. You know work come home spend time with the kids and me. Help me out with being a parent. If I wanted to be an only parent I wouldn't of gotten married and let it just have been me and Gabriel. But I didn't want that. I wanted a family in ever means of the word. A mom and dad and kids. What the Lord intended families to be.

I only want to work part time. So I feel like I am contributing to something. To help people like the Lord wants me too. If not for that feeling then I would be happy to be a stay at home mom. I want to be there for my kids and my husband. But I'm so stressed and upset and maybe even a little depressed. Not severely just a little. I want a home one Michael and I can fix up together make it our own. Have friends and invite them over for different occasions. I want another child maybe even two more. But I can't take care of four children alone. I mean I would if I had to but the stress would be so high because we have no family here. I always thought I liked the idea of having to drive and be far enough away that we would have to stay with family when we would go to visit. Bu now I'm not so sure. I'm sure if Michael was home I wouldn't feel that way. I do want t four bedroom home so that way we have a room for family to stay in when they come to visit. If they come to visit.

I mean I had always thought that maybe Michael could be a police officer. I think he would be very good at it. I mean it's the closet thing to being in the military. He gets to wear a uniform and drive a car. He gets to car a gun and make a real difference wherever we are living for our community. But I don't know. I just won't be the one to tell him that I want him to get out. I want him to get out because he decided that he doesn't want to keep being away from his family. But he doesn't, I mean it can't be that bad for him since he doesn't worry about being gone from us for long periods of time. It just has always made me wonder. I mean I had though about joining. But I didn't one because Michael wouldn't like it for whatever reason. But mainly because I didn't want to be away from the kids and Michael. I love them too much and time is precious. You can't get things back once it's gone it's gone.

I would never, I swear even think about it, on my life and anything else, but I at least understand why people who are left behind fall and find someone else. I mean even God said man can not live alone. Even the Lord said loneliness is not a good thing. He doesn't want us to be alone. So at least he understand how hard this is for me. I would never look for someone else I love Michael too much, but I do need a friend. I'm so lonely and desperate for a friend. I'm kind scared that my defences are down and someone may take advantage of me. I mean I hate that I am so closed of to even people at church but I need to be cautious. I know myself and how other people are. It's easy to take advantage of someone in my situation. That's why I don't tell alot of people I'm left alone. I feel vulnerable and kinda abandoned.

Michael says it's hard on him too. But he doesn't talk about it. I kinda understand why he wouldn't talk, share or show me that it's hard on him too. But I bet you anything he won't when he comes home. I mean he's not even hesitant about think of anything else to do. It's just jobs in the military. I mean I know this is wrong but he seems cold. Like he doesn't really feel what I do and just sometimes says things to me to make me think he kinda does but I don't think he really does. I like every aspect of the military. I mean he even made a comment one time that it's good to be away. Then he has the nerve to even act like he doesn't want me to go away even for a weekend. So of course I end up telling him I don't want to go away alone but just need to be alone with him.

No I want to see what it's like alone since it doesn't bother him I want to see if that's true. Whether I'll mind being away or not. That's kinda one reason I want to go somewhere over seas. So he can understand what it's like for me while he's gone. Because I don't think he appreciates anything. It's he sees how hard it is for him and that there is no way it's as hard here. I want him to see it from my point of view. I mean he had to go away to boot camp before he was loving and somewhat understanding of me. Maybe this is what I have to do again. I just hate that it comes down to this again. I sacrifice and sacrifice over and over for him but he has no idea. Plus he doesn't know because I don't tell him. Well it means nothing when you have to tell someone everything. I was hoping he would eventually know me. But I guess he never will. I mean what has he sacrificed? Really, I can't think of anything. I kinda want to run away. I mean honestly I have had these feelings. But if it all comes out I'm the bad guy. Just like always. I mean I'm finally doing something for me. My school stuff but it's managed to turn into something I have to do also.

I mean like he said if I want a home and stuff I have to work. So there it goes. No longer about doing it for my purpose of serving the Lord by helping, it becomes about money and help us buy a home and other things we need. All this because my husband took so long figuring out what he wants to do for a career. You won't always have someone to help you and you need to learn and take care of yourself. People let you down and that is what Michael is doing wither he knows it or not. He lets us down almost every day by simply not being here. Some people would say that is not far to him. But he knew everything before he joined. When he first joined I thought I wanted him to be away because of the way he treated me. At first it was nice, he wasn't there to be mean to me and make me feel bad about myself and everything. But my anger I felt toward him wants strong enough to cover how much I loved him and that no matter how he treated me I wanted him. I just wanted him to treat me better. I didn't take it in the long run. When he came home and treated me better, I felt indebted to the military for they had helped him. But then he have been apart so long that I have to wonder if the little bit of time together he was only nice because he knew he would be leaving. So then why would I want him to leave the military if it meant this Michael I have come to love more leaves also. So I encourage him to stay even though my heart is screaming no, stay with me don't leave me too. Like so many others have.

Oh my gosh that's it. Every time he leaves I feel the abandoned all over again. Because even in this way he is abandoning me and not only me but the children. We are left to take care of ourselves without him, and now mainly without family as well. I mean we are his family he is supposed to take care of us. But he's not. At least not full time. We are only part of his life now. He need only care for us part time and then he leaves and we are left to find for ourselves. He if supposed to hold our family together. I've been doing it for five years. I so want to pass the reins over to him. But I can't because I will always have to have hold since we never know when he will leave again. Plus I wonder if he could handle it. I mean I know we don't live in the dark ages anymore. But even know at least among Christian family's there comes a time when the husband or father who is supposed to be head of the household makes a decision for the family and no one argue about it. He makes the decision because he feels God's will in it and the family doesn't argue because they trust love and respect him enough that they believe he is doing what is best for the family.

I want this, I want Michael to step up. But he hasn't, he can't and I don't think he wants too. I think maybe he likes the idea that he is the head of the family but is more comfortably letting me do it because maybe he doesn't want the responsibility that the Lord intended him to have. But has become comfortably with the arrangements that we have outspokenly made since we got married. Publicly people think he wears the pants but deep down he knows I do. Which is why he has a times complained that we always do what I want to do. But this is against my will. I never wanted this. But I have always been thrust into a position of leadership. Whether I know it or not. It is now part of my core being. Even if by some miracle ( Like God showing Michael is real true first job) I would be hesitant to give up the reins to him from just having them for so many years. I Love Michael I don't want any one thinking anything bad about my husband from this. This is just how I feel and think. He may be totally oblivious to this all and thus it is not his fault. He is a good man and father and does the best he can. I will never stop loving him no matter what happens. But I wonder if he knows to the extent of what causes my stress? I need to go I'm getting upset and I have more to say but I need to stop and take a break. It's just so weird how it all comes pouring out of me like this. But I have held it all inside to long. It was beginning to eat away at me. Hopefully now it won't be so fast.