The Darkness (comment)

I reread my entry of The Darkness. The way I worded things I'm afraid that someone will take it the wrong way. So after alot of effort I'm going to write here what I'm afraid to say. Because saying it and typing it is two different things, right? Anyway, what I, well it's that.

I NEED YOU! I have never openly whole heartily told anyone that I needed them. I have never uttered those words. I have always done things alone. Which is why I'm so hard headed and stubborn in appearance. But to tell the truth it all started out of necessity. Now it's part of who I am and to admit I can't do something or saying I need help is just to horrible to speak. Michael says I'm hardheaded. Maybe I am but that's not why I'm doing, I don't think. It's just I don't know any other way to handle the current situation. I mean I've relied on some people to a degree but never whole heartily. When Michael and I first got married to be honest I wanted to but things happened and I just retreated back that I think I concreted that door closed. I don't know if I could function right if I gave up control.

Sadly I think I may snap. I need to get away as I said before and I've been thinking about my dad's. Not necessarily to spend time with him but to figure out what is going on with me. But I can't to this until I have finished all my school stuff. You know how some kids take off a year before they start college to figure out what they want to do. I think I need this to do a little soul searching. Be alone with God. I know I don't have to go away to be with him but I think I need to so I can avoid distraction and have total alone time. The only thing is I would need o do this more than likely with out Michael and I don't know if he would understand. I don't think he understands what he got himself into when he married me. Because I don't know. I don't think counseling would help alot. I just feel I don't know maybe led to go off alone. I just don't know if I can wait until I am a certified MA or not. But I have too I spent too much money not too. No interruption until later.

I've put myself last alot and I can keep continuing to do this. I've made it this long I can make it longer. But I would like to do this before I have another little one. I think it would help me handle that and make me a better mom and wife. But who knows, just have to wait and see.