Rest and Thought

I know I should be resting right now but I can't. Too much on my mind. I layed last night in bed for an hour, AN HOUR. I feel exhausted when I lay down but still I can't seem to fall asleep. Like right now I feel tired but I can't lay down and rest. Every night I lay awake my mind just runs and I can't get it to stop. I try and wait until I am tired but that is like 12pm or so. That's too late. What am I going to do when it comes time for me to get up early and start clinical every morning? Maybe then I'll be tired enough to go to sleep early.

Maybe my problem is the weather combined with other things. All I do is stay inside with the kids. I really need to get out and be outside but it's been so cold I can't stand it. I want to walk through the woods and look at all the leaves and just be in nature. But there are no woods here. A patch of trees at the park. But not like back at home. Where I can take Lulu and go for a walk and let her run ahead without fear of cars or someone grabbing her or Gabriel. To see all the animals and the bugs. But here there is no nature, no woods, no animals really. This is a city, animals can't run free, all you see are maybe squirrels and birds. No raccoons, deers, no rabbits, or dogs and cats running free. Shoot even in town in Falmouth we even had a chickens walk by our window.

I never thought I would miss Kentucky like I do. I always felt like it was weighing me down, us down. I never stopped and thought about it but, all those years I never thought I had a home. But now I wonder in my blindness did I really have a home. But that can't be because my family is my home. As long as I'm with them, right? I mean a house is just a material thing, a possession. I'm sorry it seems like I go along time with nothing to say and then all of a sudden it just comes pouring out me. Being alone has really allowed me to think about all those things I never allowed myself to because I was so busy with everyone else. Everyone needed, me. But now I see what I want. How I would like to live my life. A glimpse, of what could be, but no, unfortunately no.