THE DARKNESS

Another day, another feeling alone, lost, abandonded. I feel the darkness clossing around me and don't know what to do. I pray and know the Lord is with me but I have no human companionship. I have a few aquantances but it's on there terms when we meet not mine. Everyone has there own life. They forget about me and the kids. I am alone. Will it alsways be this way? I have two wonderful kids and a husband that I love and loves me. There is something I want to say to him but am afraid to. I have always done out of nessecity, no one, then a habit and now part of my pride. I am afraid to say it. I love the man this has made him and I am afriad when he goes it goes too. I just can't do it. I want to say it. So badly but I am afraid.

He would give up he loves just like I would. But I don't want him to do that, not even for me. I want him happy. This is what makes him happy. Otherwise he wouldn't have become what he is. If he doesn't do this anymore then what? He gets depressed sounding when he talk swith me about other jobs and school. This is what he wants. I can't take it from him. Someone believes this is costing me my health. But I had problem before. Michael, is all that matters. The children are fine and I am tough I can handle this, I can do this and I will do it as long as necessary. I love him, I will do this for him.

But there is a selfish part of me that wants to tell him. I can't do it I never have been able to do it. I mean every year birthday and Christmas mom hated it because she knew when she asked me I would say I dont' know. honestly I didn't. I matured early, every told me so, whatever. But anyway I knew what was going on how my dad left because we held him back. Mom was sad because she didn't get to do what she wanted. Things didn't trun out her way or whatever. Lack of money, medical, dental and sometimes food. Moving constantly, never knowing a home. I still don't know a home, I don't have one.

I can't bring myself to do it. It would brake away everything I am now. My whole structure and life I have had to make. I am even afraid to write it here for fear of what will happen. I allowed Michael closer than I have anyone else in my life. But to admit this would tear me apart. I would break I can't break I need this. I mean how many more times will he leave me. How many more times will I be a single parent. I need this structure. Honestly if I did not have this I don't know if I could do this.