Well surprise turn around today. I am slightly feeling better, but I had to take Gabriel to the doctor because he was complaining of a sore throat. He has strep throat. I have confine him to his room. Don't worry he's got his own TV and he's been able to have sherbet and I'm making sure he has plenty to drink. This helps because I really don't want Lydia to get it again. She's already had it like 3-4 times this winter. If she gets it anymore they are going to want and take her tonsils out and she's to little for that. Plus I really just want to make it until Michael gets home before (heaven forbid though) anything else happens. I've been running on just about empty for quite awhile now and I really need a break. Especially before Michael and I start trying for another baby.
I've kinda been thinking that when I finish my school and I pass all my tests and become an official certified MA then I might ask Michael if I can go and visit my dad alone for just a weekend at least. That way I can visit with my dad and be alone with out my every day family. I know dad would be there but I wouldn't feel really good without having someone I know near. Not completely alone but dad is just one. To go to the beach to have quiet time. Plus I wouldn't feel to bad leaving Michael and the kids for just a little bit since I won't finish my school stuff until sometime in September, probably late September. The only problem would be convincing Michael to let me go alone. But I can get an attitude and throw this whole mess into ring if necessary. I don't want to do that and I kinda don't want to leave, but I've never been alone. Yeah Michael isn't totally alone right now but he is someone totally foreign to him and he doesn't have any family there. This would be just about the same thing for me. Well just have to wait and see how things go. September/October is still quiet aways away still.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Rest and Thought
I know I should be resting right now but I can't. Too much on my mind. I layed last night in bed for an hour, AN HOUR. I feel exhausted when I lay down but still I can't seem to fall asleep. Like right now I feel tired but I can't lay down and rest. Every night I lay awake my mind just runs and I can't get it to stop. I try and wait until I am tired but that is like 12pm or so. That's too late. What am I going to do when it comes time for me to get up early and start clinical every morning? Maybe then I'll be tired enough to go to sleep early.
Maybe my problem is the weather combined with other things. All I do is stay inside with the kids. I really need to get out and be outside but it's been so cold I can't stand it. I want to walk through the woods and look at all the leaves and just be in nature. But there are no woods here. A patch of trees at the park. But not like back at home. Where I can take Lulu and go for a walk and let her run ahead without fear of cars or someone grabbing her or Gabriel. To see all the animals and the bugs. But here there is no nature, no woods, no animals really. This is a city, animals can't run free, all you see are maybe squirrels and birds. No raccoons, deers, no rabbits, or dogs and cats running free. Shoot even in town in Falmouth we even had a chickens walk by our window.
I never thought I would miss Kentucky like I do. I always felt like it was weighing me down, us down. I never stopped and thought about it but, all those years I never thought I had a home. But now I wonder in my blindness did I really have a home. But that can't be because my family is my home. As long as I'm with them, right? I mean a house is just a material thing, a possession. I'm sorry it seems like I go along time with nothing to say and then all of a sudden it just comes pouring out me. Being alone has really allowed me to think about all those things I never allowed myself to because I was so busy with everyone else. Everyone needed, me. But now I see what I want. How I would like to live my life. A glimpse, of what could be, but no, unfortunately no.
Maybe my problem is the weather combined with other things. All I do is stay inside with the kids. I really need to get out and be outside but it's been so cold I can't stand it. I want to walk through the woods and look at all the leaves and just be in nature. But there are no woods here. A patch of trees at the park. But not like back at home. Where I can take Lulu and go for a walk and let her run ahead without fear of cars or someone grabbing her or Gabriel. To see all the animals and the bugs. But here there is no nature, no woods, no animals really. This is a city, animals can't run free, all you see are maybe squirrels and birds. No raccoons, deers, no rabbits, or dogs and cats running free. Shoot even in town in Falmouth we even had a chickens walk by our window.
I never thought I would miss Kentucky like I do. I always felt like it was weighing me down, us down. I never stopped and thought about it but, all those years I never thought I had a home. But now I wonder in my blindness did I really have a home. But that can't be because my family is my home. As long as I'm with them, right? I mean a house is just a material thing, a possession. I'm sorry it seems like I go along time with nothing to say and then all of a sudden it just comes pouring out me. Being alone has really allowed me to think about all those things I never allowed myself to because I was so busy with everyone else. Everyone needed, me. But now I see what I want. How I would like to live my life. A glimpse, of what could be, but no, unfortunately no.
Monday, February 25, 2008
THE DARKNESS
Another day, another feeling alone, lost, abandonded. I feel the darkness clossing around me and don't know what to do. I pray and know the Lord is with me but I have no human companionship. I have a few aquantances but it's on there terms when we meet not mine. Everyone has there own life. They forget about me and the kids. I am alone. Will it alsways be this way? I have two wonderful kids and a husband that I love and loves me. There is something I want to say to him but am afraid to. I have always done out of nessecity, no one, then a habit and now part of my pride. I am afraid to say it. I love the man this has made him and I am afriad when he goes it goes too. I just can't do it. I want to say it. So badly but I am afraid.
He would give up he loves just like I would. But I don't want him to do that, not even for me. I want him happy. This is what makes him happy. Otherwise he wouldn't have become what he is. If he doesn't do this anymore then what? He gets depressed sounding when he talk swith me about other jobs and school. This is what he wants. I can't take it from him. Someone believes this is costing me my health. But I had problem before. Michael, is all that matters. The children are fine and I am tough I can handle this, I can do this and I will do it as long as necessary. I love him, I will do this for him.
But there is a selfish part of me that wants to tell him. I can't do it I never have been able to do it. I mean every year birthday and Christmas mom hated it because she knew when she asked me I would say I dont' know. honestly I didn't. I matured early, every told me so, whatever. But anyway I knew what was going on how my dad left because we held him back. Mom was sad because she didn't get to do what she wanted. Things didn't trun out her way or whatever. Lack of money, medical, dental and sometimes food. Moving constantly, never knowing a home. I still don't know a home, I don't have one.
I can't bring myself to do it. It would brake away everything I am now. My whole structure and life I have had to make. I am even afraid to write it here for fear of what will happen. I allowed Michael closer than I have anyone else in my life. But to admit this would tear me apart. I would break I can't break I need this. I mean how many more times will he leave me. How many more times will I be a single parent. I need this structure. Honestly if I did not have this I don't know if I could do this.
He would give up he loves just like I would. But I don't want him to do that, not even for me. I want him happy. This is what makes him happy. Otherwise he wouldn't have become what he is. If he doesn't do this anymore then what? He gets depressed sounding when he talk swith me about other jobs and school. This is what he wants. I can't take it from him. Someone believes this is costing me my health. But I had problem before. Michael, is all that matters. The children are fine and I am tough I can handle this, I can do this and I will do it as long as necessary. I love him, I will do this for him.
But there is a selfish part of me that wants to tell him. I can't do it I never have been able to do it. I mean every year birthday and Christmas mom hated it because she knew when she asked me I would say I dont' know. honestly I didn't. I matured early, every told me so, whatever. But anyway I knew what was going on how my dad left because we held him back. Mom was sad because she didn't get to do what she wanted. Things didn't trun out her way or whatever. Lack of money, medical, dental and sometimes food. Moving constantly, never knowing a home. I still don't know a home, I don't have one.
I can't bring myself to do it. It would brake away everything I am now. My whole structure and life I have had to make. I am even afraid to write it here for fear of what will happen. I allowed Michael closer than I have anyone else in my life. But to admit this would tear me apart. I would break I can't break I need this. I mean how many more times will he leave me. How many more times will I be a single parent. I need this structure. Honestly if I did not have this I don't know if I could do this.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Math
As you all are probably aware I am not a math lover and do not do well in math. But I am very happy to report that I has offically passed my Math class and thank the Lord I did and I'm done with it. I was so worried that I would be faced with repeating this math class but thankfully I will not have to do this. My next class I have started it Anatomy and Physiology. I was at first looking forward to this class but it's just as difficult as the rest have been so far. Everything is in those wonderful medical terms and words that are very difficult to pronounce. So unfortunately by not beoing in a real clas room I am unable to hear how to correctly pronounciate the words and so I am left up to guessing which makes it very challenging to remember them. But I have confidence that things will be easier once I start clinicals and I am able to watch and learn. I'm hands on and visual. I'm sure things will make better since once I get going. I can't wait to start clinicals. Actually I won't be able to relax until I am certifide. After that then I will relax.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Vineyard Community Church
I have to say that going to Vineyard lst night with the kids was exactly what I needed. The music, the atmosphere even the few people I talked with was wonderful. I could just feel the Lord presence and I haven't felt it that powerful in such a long time. I think I have found my problem and I'm hoping that contuing to go there will strengthen my relationship with the Lord and help me to get out of this funk that I seem to be heading toward.
I found out that they have alot of wonderful small groups. Well they call them life groups but it's the same thing. They have one that meets every thursday at the church from 10am to 11:30 am for mothers. They also provide Child Care which is wonder too. I'm going to call later and see about going to this group for at least the time being. When michael comes home they have a group for married and engaged couples that also provideds child care. I'm hoping this will be just what is needed. I'm very excited.
Today I have also finished my Math class along with my Bloodborne and Airborne pathogens class. I know I'm going to get a good garde in the Bloodborne class but I'm worried an=bout my math class. I'm sitting right on the edge of at least passing with a C and I pray to the Lord that I do. On top of everything else I didn't sleep very well. Poor Lulu work up at alittle after 1am. She had thrown up and the poor thing had to of course manilygot her blanky. Thankfully she was able to go back to sleep with out her balnket and Iwas able to sneak it into the wash. She had it in time for nap time. I plan on going and buying some baby monitors. IT bothers me that she does that and I don't know unless she cries. I'm hoping the next time I will hear her and get to her before she becomes too upset. Well I need to go I'll write again later. Bye!
I found out that they have alot of wonderful small groups. Well they call them life groups but it's the same thing. They have one that meets every thursday at the church from 10am to 11:30 am for mothers. They also provide Child Care which is wonder too. I'm going to call later and see about going to this group for at least the time being. When michael comes home they have a group for married and engaged couples that also provideds child care. I'm hoping this will be just what is needed. I'm very excited.
Today I have also finished my Math class along with my Bloodborne and Airborne pathogens class. I know I'm going to get a good garde in the Bloodborne class but I'm worried an=bout my math class. I'm sitting right on the edge of at least passing with a C and I pray to the Lord that I do. On top of everything else I didn't sleep very well. Poor Lulu work up at alittle after 1am. She had thrown up and the poor thing had to of course manilygot her blanky. Thankfully she was able to go back to sleep with out her balnket and Iwas able to sneak it into the wash. She had it in time for nap time. I plan on going and buying some baby monitors. IT bothers me that she does that and I don't know unless she cries. I'm hoping the next time I will hear her and get to her before she becomes too upset. Well I need to go I'll write again later. Bye!
Monday, February 18, 2008
I'm Back
Not that it has been long enough to really justify the title I picked for today's blog entry but I am trying to be more consitant with my entries. Well the visit down to see the family went well. I was actually very disapointed when it came time to leave. For some reason instead of being dying to get back home and to my bed and own stuff I was actually dreading the return trip. I'm not sure why maybe I knew it was going to be about five weeks until my next trip down and when I do go down it will be shorter than this time and will be awhile again until I go down. But I'm not entirely sure. There just something about feeling like I'm I guess maybe home when I go down to KY. Maybe it's becuase it was the longest state I had lived in. I really like living in the country. I mean there's plenty of room to run I can relax and not be scared that the kids are going to run into the road when I stay with my in-laws. And the trees oh the trees and I never thought I would miss the hills. They flow so well and there so rolling and the I don't know. I just miss the trees and the space. But I'm sure there are plenty of trees up here and space. (I hope!) But Michael and I will find out and I plan on being really picky and praying very hard before we buy a house. Well its late I need to sleep, (if I can) write again tomorrow if there's time. Maybe I'll have something intersting to say about Michael maybe some news. Who knows?
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Febuary 14, 2008
Well it will be at least four days until my next post. I am currently going now to KY to visit with family. I haven't seen them since the first week of January. I won't see them again until after this visit...until well Easter weekend. Gabriel has this Friday and following Monday off from school. I am hoping to be able to take Gabriel to see the new Dr. Sueus movie that is coming out to theaters tomorrow. It is "Horton hears a who" it looks really cute and Jim Carrey is the voice of Horton. Well Till later!
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Carnival Cruise Lines
Michael just recently asked me to look into a cruise for our anniversary this year. Which sound like such a wonderful idea. Aparently with the military and him coming off a deployment he is able to get a very nice discount. But even with the discount it will still cost more than we or I may be willing to spend. It will probably be over a thousand dollars for the whole thing. The driving the gas the food. You have to pay extra for onshore activites and of course drinks and special things like that while you are on the ship. Plus the is a five dollar a day charge per person for fuel exspense. So there where some hidden charges. I just don't think we could afford it. I mean we need a new washer and dryer really bad. Lydia is going to need to move to a twin bed instead of a toddler bed soon. Michael and I could really use a new mattress and he is goin to need a vechilce after he comes home. So I really don't see how we are going to be able to afford a trip. Plus we are thinking about going ahead and pay off the jeep and Michael had a charge card while he is over there so we need to pay it off as well. I hate to be the one to tell him but I don't think we can go on a crusie. This stinks. I mean we really didn't even get a honeymoon after we got married and still have not done anything. This year will be our five year anniversary and Michael also turns 25. I don't know but I think we are going to have to figure something else out or wait until our 10 year. Of well, maybe another time.
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Ponder
I sometimes get these, I don't know if you would call them ideas or not but these thoughts. I shared one with Michael today. Here is a pieace of our conversation.
Mandy: Do you believe that who we are is only a matter of what we believe we can be?
Michael: What do you mean?
Mandy: I don't know, I've heard that people who are bad also have the potential for good, right. So then if that is true than the potential of evil is in all of us. But maybe we are who we believe we can be if we believe in a greater good. Then we strive for that. But those who believe in something evil than that is their goal. Like that for power or wealth. In the bible it talks about money being a root for evil. People believe money is power, thus they strive for it.
Michael: Ok I agree. But what brought this up?
Mandy: I'm not sure, it kinda came to me, this is not the first time something like this has came to me. Is that weird?
Michael: No
Mandy: Sometimes I feel it is.
Michael: Why?
Mandy: I don't know who talks like this Or thinks this way?
Michael: Maybe it's from the Lord?
Mandy: WHo am I that the Lord would use me? Why would he and what is the reason for me to say this?
Michael: I don't know but he can use anyone.
Mandy: I just think as I said before that beliving in a greater is us beliving in God. Thus we strive to be like him. I hope you knew that was what I meant for us anyway as Christ followers.
Michael: I know what you meant I usually always do. You didn't have to explain the meaning to me I could read between the lines.
Mandy: Right sorry I feel compelled alot to explain myself.
Michael: I know.
This is part of our conversation. I'm not sure why and what the point is to this all. But it is not the first time I have felt complelled to say something. Sometimes it is out of no where and other times I have these thoughts after I've heard or watched something. I was always the one's my friends in school came to with a problem and even my own father comes to me for advise. I need to pray and see what is going on. I've always wonder and I just thought I just have alot of common sense and that is all this is. I don't know. Anyone out ther have a thought?
Mandy: Do you believe that who we are is only a matter of what we believe we can be?
Michael: What do you mean?
Mandy: I don't know, I've heard that people who are bad also have the potential for good, right. So then if that is true than the potential of evil is in all of us. But maybe we are who we believe we can be if we believe in a greater good. Then we strive for that. But those who believe in something evil than that is their goal. Like that for power or wealth. In the bible it talks about money being a root for evil. People believe money is power, thus they strive for it.
Michael: Ok I agree. But what brought this up?
Mandy: I'm not sure, it kinda came to me, this is not the first time something like this has came to me. Is that weird?
Michael: No
Mandy: Sometimes I feel it is.
Michael: Why?
Mandy: I don't know who talks like this Or thinks this way?
Michael: Maybe it's from the Lord?
Mandy: WHo am I that the Lord would use me? Why would he and what is the reason for me to say this?
Michael: I don't know but he can use anyone.
Mandy: I just think as I said before that beliving in a greater is us beliving in God. Thus we strive to be like him. I hope you knew that was what I meant for us anyway as Christ followers.
Michael: I know what you meant I usually always do. You didn't have to explain the meaning to me I could read between the lines.
Mandy: Right sorry I feel compelled alot to explain myself.
Michael: I know.
This is part of our conversation. I'm not sure why and what the point is to this all. But it is not the first time I have felt complelled to say something. Sometimes it is out of no where and other times I have these thoughts after I've heard or watched something. I was always the one's my friends in school came to with a problem and even my own father comes to me for advise. I need to pray and see what is going on. I've always wonder and I just thought I just have alot of common sense and that is all this is. I don't know. Anyone out ther have a thought?
Friday, February 08, 2008
Febuary 8, 2008
Michael called today, yeah! It was at 3 in the morning. But it was so good to hear his voice. I didn't realize how much I miss him in such the short time he's left again. I feel myself slipping back into the patern from before. I miss him, I want him home. But am I being selfish? I mean he is doing something that is really important, he's making a difference. What right do I have to tell him that sometimes I don't want to do this? I love the man that the army has made him. I wouldn't change that. But I don't know what I want. What is best for us? It kinda bothers me, but I can't tell him that a part of me wants him to quite. I can't do that, I won't. I need to go write more later. Oh they are coming home to the base/camp here yeah!
Monday, February 04, 2008
The Giants
Last night was an awesome game. I was on the edge of my seat there at the end. I was so happy when the final score was 17-14. Giants win over the patriots! I couldn't help but think threw this whole thing how pround Archie Manning must be of his boys. I mean Payton winning the super bowl lat year and his youngest Elli winning it this year. How many father's get to say that my sons won the super bowl and back to back years! I can't wait to tell Michael that the patriots lost. The Patriots are kinda like the sworn enemies of the Colts and alot of people here in Indinana found themselves momentarliy Giants fan last night. I feel bad that Michael was unable to watch the game last night since he is in that area that has nothing and they have to sleep outside. I hope he is feeling better. Last time I talked with him he was feeling like he was coming down with a cold or something. Thankfully we can talk at the end of the week and longer than 10 min. since he'll have the internet back up and running again. YEAH!
Sunday, February 03, 2008
Super Bowl Sunday
Today is a day that people will be going nuts. I mean come on it's super bowl sunday. This means that people will be heading out to family and friends houses to enjoy one of American's favorite past time of stuffing their faces, drinking beer and yelling at there family's TV. I'm not exactly knocking this don't get me wrong. I throughly enjoy watching my Husband's family get all rilled up. For example if the Colts are playing my Mother-in-law becomes a chain smoker and can't sit until the game is over, she gets so worked up.
Anyway this makes me think back to last year's superbowl. I can't believe it has been a year already. This time last year Michael and I where discussing how things were going to go when we got to his family's house. You see we broke the news that he was getting deployed before the start of the game. It went as expected. I feel bad in a way because I prayed and asked God that he would allow the Colts to win the super bowl so that things would lighten up. It may not have been the bes time to tell the family that he was going to war, but it was bes for us to go and get it out of the way since everyone was there and we wouldn't have to drive all over the place. It makes me sad today and I miss Micahel even more today. There is always something to make me think about him. Some days are just harder than others. But I've been dealing rather well. Thank the Lord there is days ahead than more. He'll be home soon, praise GOD!
I have been spending alot of time on youtube here lately. I have found tons of good dedication videos for our troops. Some are very sad and I can not help but cry and think of Michael and his buddies whenever I see them. But it's good that they are out there. Hopefully it will help people think about what things are like in their lives and their families lives. So few care. There is a really good video with my favorite song, "Praise you in this storm," by casting crowns. It's from jkstar09 . I love this song and has such meaning to me about what I am going threw with Michael being gone. It gives me strength to go on. The Lord is my Rock, and my shield, for I will praise him all the days of my life!
Anyway this makes me think back to last year's superbowl. I can't believe it has been a year already. This time last year Michael and I where discussing how things were going to go when we got to his family's house. You see we broke the news that he was getting deployed before the start of the game. It went as expected. I feel bad in a way because I prayed and asked God that he would allow the Colts to win the super bowl so that things would lighten up. It may not have been the bes time to tell the family that he was going to war, but it was bes for us to go and get it out of the way since everyone was there and we wouldn't have to drive all over the place. It makes me sad today and I miss Micahel even more today. There is always something to make me think about him. Some days are just harder than others. But I've been dealing rather well. Thank the Lord there is days ahead than more. He'll be home soon, praise GOD!
I have been spending alot of time on youtube here lately. I have found tons of good dedication videos for our troops. Some are very sad and I can not help but cry and think of Michael and his buddies whenever I see them. But it's good that they are out there. Hopefully it will help people think about what things are like in their lives and their families lives. So few care. There is a really good video with my favorite song, "Praise you in this storm," by casting crowns. It's from jkstar09 . I love this song and has such meaning to me about what I am going threw with Michael being gone. It gives me strength to go on. The Lord is my Rock, and my shield, for I will praise him all the days of my life!
Thursday, January 31, 2008
January 31, 2008
Well thank the Lord today is the last day of January. I normally don't like time to pass by this fast but when you are separated from a loved one you can't help but wish time to go by faster so that you will once again be reunited together again. I know it has only been a little over a week since he left again but already I have that longing back. I just pray that the Lord will allow us to be together for quite some time before Michael is sent away somewhere again. I would like it if he never is but I remain practical. He is in the Army, things happen. Plus this world will never see peace until the day the Lord comes (His will be done).
Well I was bored last night and I called a realator who is ex Army and now deals mainly with veterans and Va home loans. Michael and I have decided that when the time comes for us to get a home this is the guy we are going to use. He also let me know that when Michael comes home he will be able to help Michael get a AGR slot. Isn't that wonderful! But unfortunatley it will more than likely not be with a Combat Engineer unit and he will have to find another MOS. They talked about maybe getting him into a recruter job but Michael would only do that for a short time. They also mentioned a drill instructor unit. But those guys drill for two years and then have to go over seas for at least 6 months to stay current. We were not really happy about that either. If he has to go over again we would rather he do what he is doing now since nothing (Thank the Lord) has happened. Plus he is comfortable doing what he is doing and that is very important in a place like that.
The children and I are doing very well. I have another appointment with the gastro doctor on the 5th and I'm not sure what there next course of action will be. But I have a feeling they will want me to take a prgnancy test and I'm not willing to do that just yet because I'm afraid it will tell me that I am not and I don't want to deal with that just yet. I'm still praying that the Lord has allowed me to become pregnant. But I do know that, if I am not then there is a reason and I must except this. I just hate that I have never been regular and it takes me sometime. Plus I read that as the years go by and having more children can cause it to become difficult for some women. But I know I can get pregnant it just may mean that I'll have to take that medicine that my gyno told me that will help me ovulate normally. I just really didn't want to take any medicine. (I don't like to take any medicine) But I don't want the age gape between this next one and Lydia to get any larger than her's and Gabriel's is. But again the Lord always has a reason though we may not know why he does and we have to trust him and know that he does only what is best for use even if we don't understand. I have babbled enough for now. I'll write again later.
Well I was bored last night and I called a realator who is ex Army and now deals mainly with veterans and Va home loans. Michael and I have decided that when the time comes for us to get a home this is the guy we are going to use. He also let me know that when Michael comes home he will be able to help Michael get a AGR slot. Isn't that wonderful! But unfortunatley it will more than likely not be with a Combat Engineer unit and he will have to find another MOS. They talked about maybe getting him into a recruter job but Michael would only do that for a short time. They also mentioned a drill instructor unit. But those guys drill for two years and then have to go over seas for at least 6 months to stay current. We were not really happy about that either. If he has to go over again we would rather he do what he is doing now since nothing (Thank the Lord) has happened. Plus he is comfortable doing what he is doing and that is very important in a place like that.
The children and I are doing very well. I have another appointment with the gastro doctor on the 5th and I'm not sure what there next course of action will be. But I have a feeling they will want me to take a prgnancy test and I'm not willing to do that just yet because I'm afraid it will tell me that I am not and I don't want to deal with that just yet. I'm still praying that the Lord has allowed me to become pregnant. But I do know that, if I am not then there is a reason and I must except this. I just hate that I have never been regular and it takes me sometime. Plus I read that as the years go by and having more children can cause it to become difficult for some women. But I know I can get pregnant it just may mean that I'll have to take that medicine that my gyno told me that will help me ovulate normally. I just really didn't want to take any medicine. (I don't like to take any medicine) But I don't want the age gape between this next one and Lydia to get any larger than her's and Gabriel's is. But again the Lord always has a reason though we may not know why he does and we have to trust him and know that he does only what is best for use even if we don't understand. I have babbled enough for now. I'll write again later.
Monday, January 28, 2008
What do I want?
Michael made a comment while he was home that I have not been able to shake. He made the point of saying that I have formed myself around whatever everyone else wanted or expected of me and that I really don't know who I am. I have thought about this every night. Everyday! You know what, he's right. Who am I? What am I doing? What makes me happy? I have been trying to figure this out and I realize that I am over thinking this and I need to go to the basics and just think about the things that make me happy and go from there.
So, I love to read. Everyone knows that. I could probably live in a library if someone would let me. I would love to have a library of my own, in my own home. I love Michael! (Duh) I love me children and I honestly want more. I love kids I love being around them. Whenever we go to visit family I automatically gravitate toward wherever the children are. At Christmas I watched the twins along with my own to allow Randy to go home and wrap presents. I used to watch children in my home in falmouth. I was dying to get my cousin Leslie's kids and Antonio. I love anything to do with medicine. I love watching all those TV medical shows. I have such a longing to go overseas to another country and help in whatever way I can. This is why I am going to be a medical assistant and later on become a nurse, so that I can do this. I guess if you want to say if I have a dream, this is my dream. I would actually entertain the thought of living in another country at least for a year. With my family, of course. I just have always wanted to know how other countries are. I mean the lord allowed for other cultures and I want to see them. I want to help.
I want a home yes and I would love to fill it with things of course. But those things are not important. I guess what I want most in the world is a Big Family. But in order to have this Michael and I need to be on the same page. I would need him to understand exactly what I am thinking and to feel the same way. Most people would say that two children are plenty. But I have a dream that I have never shared with anyone and I found that later on especially in High School whenever I began to day dream of this I stopped. But Michael and I have been through so much and I have opened up to him and we are to spend the rest of our lives together that I have finally felt safe enough to dream and picture a life with him.
I want four children. I can settle for three but I want four. I can't explain why but all I can say is that I feel it is right. I try to always pray about anything and everything. I would love to own a home someday. But it is not the most important thing. All that matters is God and family. I don't want to hold off our family for a home. Some people would feel that a home and me working needs to be establish before more children can come. But I want them while I am still very young. While Michael is young too. (I also have a female problem that makes getting pregnant take a little bit) We have a friend who is 28 and his only son just turned 1. I mean I'm 23 and have two. Michael and I will be very nice and young and can fully appreciate our kids and retire very young to enjoy our time.
I guess I just want to have the family I didn't have growing up. I want to have my kids and be involved in them as much as I can. I want to talk with them about everything and anything. I want them to know that they can talk to me about anything and not be afraid to talk to their father either. I know things won't be perfect but I just want to be the mother that Christ would have me be and the wife he would have me be also. I want Michael and I to start our own family and I feel that moving here to Indiana was the best chose for our family. Sometimes I find myself want to move back to KY. Not back were we where, but in the northern part. I mean I like the area and it is nice but it's kinda like Florence, in a away.
I mean we needed to move here while Michael was deployed. (It has really helped me become more independent and self reliant.) But before we moved I was actually feeling like I was coming out of my shell when I joined the FRG. I love the FRG in FT Thomas. I feel horrible because I want to participate more than I am now, but I can't. I love the women and the guys and the area. I keep telling myself that Attebury will be the same. There will be other wives and we can move closer to it and I can participate more. But now Michael has changed his mind again and he wants to get a civilian job and go to school. Part of me feels that if he wanted to go to school I would have much rather he have gone first. A really big part of me wants to be a stay at home mom and a volunteer. I want to volunteer at the crisis pregnancy center here in Indianapolis and a volunteer with the FRG. Do things I can include the kids in and help them grow an appreciation for the military. But if I work I don't think I can do this. I mean with Michael gone I've realized how much being with the kids and helping them means. But I'm going to school and I think Michael is ok with me working part time.
I've always whined about how I wanted to work and get out of the house. But those few weekends when I went to the unit with Michael before he left I felt something I hadn't felt before. I felt like I was making a difference. I was doing something very important and the people liked me. They started to know who I was not by Michael's wife but by my name. I mean they were even accepting of when I brought the kids and I even tied Lydia to my back one day and still got alot of work done. I was just so.. so... happy, I felt fulfilled. I loved it. Every time I go to a meeting they need help with something and it's all I can do from raising my hands and saying I'll do it. Like after LEAH was in the accident and they needed someone to take over her job. I so wanted to sat yes, but I knew there was no way.
Maybe I'll feel different once I start my clinical and I get to working. I mean so far I am making good grades. Maybe when I get to the hands on part my feelings will change. I just want to move forward with our lives so bad that I feel like pulling my hair out. I just want Michael to make a decision and stick to it and be all that he can be. He is so smart and he can do anything that he wants. I mean he could have done an INTEL job the Army. He is that smart. I mean every women would love to be able to say hey my husband is in such and such in INTEL. I mean I just swelled up when he heard how high he scored and the recruiters reaction to his scores as well. I mean I love that he's an engineer and that he has pride in what he does but, he can do so much more, but I think he's afraid that people will expect to much from him. I mean to be honest he's never had to deal with that, because his family has never required anything major from him. I think this might have played a role in how our marriage was in the beginning. I kinda feel that I maybe the only person who has really ever expected anything from him major and wanted him to make major decisions. I don't know. That's just how I feel. I just feel like he beats himself up and he's afraid. Of what I'm not totally sure of. But he has such potential. I just hope that this time apart has really benefited him and helped him finally decide what he wants to do. I mean our relationship is awesome and I couldn't ask for more and not feel selfish. I love him so much.
I guess I have rambled on enough. I just kinda feel like I may be getting there and figuring things out. I feel like I can finally be honest and if an argument occurs then I hope not and we can discuss things and come to a mutual decision about everything. I'm going to go now. I actually feel alot better though. I hope if Michael reads this he understands. I love you Honey, I hope I didn't say too much to upset you. Talk later? Love Ya!
So, I love to read. Everyone knows that. I could probably live in a library if someone would let me. I would love to have a library of my own, in my own home. I love Michael! (Duh) I love me children and I honestly want more. I love kids I love being around them. Whenever we go to visit family I automatically gravitate toward wherever the children are. At Christmas I watched the twins along with my own to allow Randy to go home and wrap presents. I used to watch children in my home in falmouth. I was dying to get my cousin Leslie's kids and Antonio. I love anything to do with medicine. I love watching all those TV medical shows. I have such a longing to go overseas to another country and help in whatever way I can. This is why I am going to be a medical assistant and later on become a nurse, so that I can do this. I guess if you want to say if I have a dream, this is my dream. I would actually entertain the thought of living in another country at least for a year. With my family, of course. I just have always wanted to know how other countries are. I mean the lord allowed for other cultures and I want to see them. I want to help.
I want a home yes and I would love to fill it with things of course. But those things are not important. I guess what I want most in the world is a Big Family. But in order to have this Michael and I need to be on the same page. I would need him to understand exactly what I am thinking and to feel the same way. Most people would say that two children are plenty. But I have a dream that I have never shared with anyone and I found that later on especially in High School whenever I began to day dream of this I stopped. But Michael and I have been through so much and I have opened up to him and we are to spend the rest of our lives together that I have finally felt safe enough to dream and picture a life with him.
I want four children. I can settle for three but I want four. I can't explain why but all I can say is that I feel it is right. I try to always pray about anything and everything. I would love to own a home someday. But it is not the most important thing. All that matters is God and family. I don't want to hold off our family for a home. Some people would feel that a home and me working needs to be establish before more children can come. But I want them while I am still very young. While Michael is young too. (I also have a female problem that makes getting pregnant take a little bit) We have a friend who is 28 and his only son just turned 1. I mean I'm 23 and have two. Michael and I will be very nice and young and can fully appreciate our kids and retire very young to enjoy our time.
I guess I just want to have the family I didn't have growing up. I want to have my kids and be involved in them as much as I can. I want to talk with them about everything and anything. I want them to know that they can talk to me about anything and not be afraid to talk to their father either. I know things won't be perfect but I just want to be the mother that Christ would have me be and the wife he would have me be also. I want Michael and I to start our own family and I feel that moving here to Indiana was the best chose for our family. Sometimes I find myself want to move back to KY. Not back were we where, but in the northern part. I mean I like the area and it is nice but it's kinda like Florence, in a away.
I mean we needed to move here while Michael was deployed. (It has really helped me become more independent and self reliant.) But before we moved I was actually feeling like I was coming out of my shell when I joined the FRG. I love the FRG in FT Thomas. I feel horrible because I want to participate more than I am now, but I can't. I love the women and the guys and the area. I keep telling myself that Attebury will be the same. There will be other wives and we can move closer to it and I can participate more. But now Michael has changed his mind again and he wants to get a civilian job and go to school. Part of me feels that if he wanted to go to school I would have much rather he have gone first. A really big part of me wants to be a stay at home mom and a volunteer. I want to volunteer at the crisis pregnancy center here in Indianapolis and a volunteer with the FRG. Do things I can include the kids in and help them grow an appreciation for the military. But if I work I don't think I can do this. I mean with Michael gone I've realized how much being with the kids and helping them means. But I'm going to school and I think Michael is ok with me working part time.
I've always whined about how I wanted to work and get out of the house. But those few weekends when I went to the unit with Michael before he left I felt something I hadn't felt before. I felt like I was making a difference. I was doing something very important and the people liked me. They started to know who I was not by Michael's wife but by my name. I mean they were even accepting of when I brought the kids and I even tied Lydia to my back one day and still got alot of work done. I was just so.. so... happy, I felt fulfilled. I loved it. Every time I go to a meeting they need help with something and it's all I can do from raising my hands and saying I'll do it. Like after LEAH was in the accident and they needed someone to take over her job. I so wanted to sat yes, but I knew there was no way.
Maybe I'll feel different once I start my clinical and I get to working. I mean so far I am making good grades. Maybe when I get to the hands on part my feelings will change. I just want to move forward with our lives so bad that I feel like pulling my hair out. I just want Michael to make a decision and stick to it and be all that he can be. He is so smart and he can do anything that he wants. I mean he could have done an INTEL job the Army. He is that smart. I mean every women would love to be able to say hey my husband is in such and such in INTEL. I mean I just swelled up when he heard how high he scored and the recruiters reaction to his scores as well. I mean I love that he's an engineer and that he has pride in what he does but, he can do so much more, but I think he's afraid that people will expect to much from him. I mean to be honest he's never had to deal with that, because his family has never required anything major from him. I think this might have played a role in how our marriage was in the beginning. I kinda feel that I maybe the only person who has really ever expected anything from him major and wanted him to make major decisions. I don't know. That's just how I feel. I just feel like he beats himself up and he's afraid. Of what I'm not totally sure of. But he has such potential. I just hope that this time apart has really benefited him and helped him finally decide what he wants to do. I mean our relationship is awesome and I couldn't ask for more and not feel selfish. I love him so much.
I guess I have rambled on enough. I just kinda feel like I may be getting there and figuring things out. I feel like I can finally be honest and if an argument occurs then I hope not and we can discuss things and come to a mutual decision about everything. I'm going to go now. I actually feel alot better though. I hope if Michael reads this he understands. I love you Honey, I hope I didn't say too much to upset you. Talk later? Love Ya!
Math
I hate math! I have never done well in math and apparently, I still do not do well in math. I have already failed my first assignment and if something is not done I will end up failing this class. I will so cry if I fail this class. I don't want to get behind and have to repeat any of these classes. I have actually been doing really well and I have been so happy because these are the best grades I have gotten since middle school. I really want to do well and have Michael be proud of me. How can that happen if I end up failing a class. I'm so starting to get stressed out already. The peace sure didn't last long.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Classes
So far from what I can tell this week will be somewhat an easy one since I have two classes to worry about instead of the normal one. But by it seeming easy this week makes me worry about what the other weeks will be like. I have always had an apprehension about how I will do when each class starts. I always feel like I will do poorly. But so far I have been proved wrong. Which is very nice. But I do still like even through my grades are high I feel like I have not learned or absorbed enough information to do my future job correctly. I just hope that when I go to do my clinical I will then learn what I need to do. I am a visual person so doing this online has been a challenge for me to remember what it is I need to. But I am hopeful that clinical will change my mind and out look on things.
Michael called me today after church and told me that he is doing well. He is still tired and still adjusting again to the time change and every thing. But he has fallen back into his routine and him and Weid are hanging out and going to the gym again. He has informed me that Sgt. Walker is doing alright besides having metal hanging out of his finger. But he said he should have it removed within a week or so and then will go through three weeks of physical therapy. But other than that he is doing well. The children are doing well too and we are back into our normal routine as well. It's funny how easy it was to go back to the way things were before Michael came home on leave. I am feeling alright and feel recharged from Michael's visit home as well. But I will start to feel the effects before he is home again. But that is later and not to worry about now. I pray for his safe return and still miss him terrible. I love him so nothing will ever change that. Well I have to go, I'm trying to plan a box for Michael and his friends. I'll write more later, bye.
Michael called me today after church and told me that he is doing well. He is still tired and still adjusting again to the time change and every thing. But he has fallen back into his routine and him and Weid are hanging out and going to the gym again. He has informed me that Sgt. Walker is doing alright besides having metal hanging out of his finger. But he said he should have it removed within a week or so and then will go through three weeks of physical therapy. But other than that he is doing well. The children are doing well too and we are back into our normal routine as well. It's funny how easy it was to go back to the way things were before Michael came home on leave. I am feeling alright and feel recharged from Michael's visit home as well. But I will start to feel the effects before he is home again. But that is later and not to worry about now. I pray for his safe return and still miss him terrible. I love him so nothing will ever change that. Well I have to go, I'm trying to plan a box for Michael and his friends. I'll write more later, bye.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
January 26, 2008
Well I was able to check out my overall grade for medical terminology and I have received a B for this class. Isn't this wonderful! So far I have made a A and two B's for my classes. I am however a little nervous because I actually have two classes to worry about this month. But I do not have to worry about going down to KY this month so this shouldn't be too much of a problem. I have a math class and one on blood borne pathogens. I'm very interested in the blood borne pathogens but not the math class. I have never been good in math and this is worse because I have to do good because I have to use this in my career field Evey day. I hope that I can pass with a good grade. I am actually going to get off now and preview the chapters for this coming up week. I'll write more later, bye!
Friday, January 25, 2008
January 25, 2008
Well I heard from Michael early this morning and he informed me that he should be leaving around 5pm his time to head back over to his home base. I have yet to hear from him but I'm sure they didn't give him any time to call. He probably was only able to unpack and get reacquainted with the guys. He'll probably call me either tomorrow or Sunday. No big deal. At least I know he is over there and safe right now. I had the pleasure of taking the kids with me to go and get our taxes started today. I only know how much federal we will be getting back. I don't know what we are getting back from KY and IN. He said this is because he has to fill out the KY and then figure out the IN. Don't matter. It is all getting deposited into our savings. We won't be doing anything with it until Michael gets home anyway. Right now I am just working on my school and taking car of the kids. I'll be able to pay off our medical bills and we will only owe money on our Jeep and my school. But my checks will be going to pay off my school; once I start working. Well gt to go write more later, bye.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Gone Again
Well the children and I got up early and took Michael to the airport. He's flight was at 8:30am. To my pleasant surprise they allowed the children and I to accompany Michael all the way to the gate. It was a much better parting this time and I feel that being able to continue on with him to the gate allowed some of my anxiety to momentarily live. I will say that taking the children through security was an interesting experience. Not only did I have to check and empty my pockets The children and I had to remove our coats and shoes! Which even after this Gabriel still managed to cause the alarm to go off. Come to find out he was wearing a belt of all things. So after removing his belt and continuing on through, we had to put all of our shoes and coats back on. Which was fun with Lydia. But we made it to the gate on time and was able to sit with Michael for a few minutes before he had to board. The children handle it well and other than Gabriel asking how long he would be gone this time things went pretty well.
I called his mom on the way home to let her know I had dropped him off and he was on his way. It was only a little after 9am when we got home and I threw myself into cleaning. Like I always do. I couldn't stand the idea of his stuff being left out (clothes and stuff) So I began picking up. To no avail I broke down and cried alittle. But it was not as bad as last time since I know what to expect. I just pray to God he gets to come home in May and not June. But I can handle it if it has to be June. I love him so much and can't wait until we can be a family again (hopefully for awhile this time).
Michael and I have decided to have one more baby and I am very excited about this. We want to start trying as soon as he comes home since I will be pretty much done with my school and will be able to start working. I want to work full time up until the baby comes. So if it takes awhile then it will just allow us to have more money saved. Well I'm going to go, write later.
I called his mom on the way home to let her know I had dropped him off and he was on his way. It was only a little after 9am when we got home and I threw myself into cleaning. Like I always do. I couldn't stand the idea of his stuff being left out (clothes and stuff) So I began picking up. To no avail I broke down and cried alittle. But it was not as bad as last time since I know what to expect. I just pray to God he gets to come home in May and not June. But I can handle it if it has to be June. I love him so much and can't wait until we can be a family again (hopefully for awhile this time).
Michael and I have decided to have one more baby and I am very excited about this. We want to start trying as soon as he comes home since I will be pretty much done with my school and will be able to start working. I want to work full time up until the baby comes. So if it takes awhile then it will just allow us to have more money saved. Well I'm going to go, write later.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Last Day of Leave
Well today is Michael's last day of leave before he catches his flight tomorrow at 8:30am to return back to Iraq. He's alittle different today and I can tell that he is fighting to not think about what is going to take place tomorrow. I am too. But it is hard when you know they are leaving and will be away from you for four to five more months. But at least when he comes home the next time he will be home hopefully for awhile. I'm hoping we have a whole year together before anything else happens. But you never know, it is the Army and they change their minds a lot.
Michael's mom and Mike left yesterday to head back down to KY. It was a better parting this time I think the knowledge of what to expect this time has help and know it is almost over as well. We went out to the Indy race track museum and took the bus tour around the track. It was OK and was time out of the house. Afterward we ate out at Cracker Barrel, and then went to drool at the Harley store that is at Southport road. Actually Michael and Mike drooled the kids and I just walked around. I was smart and put Lulu in the stroller there was no way I was going to let her be down in that store. I couldn't believe how expensive those bikes are.
Anyway we came home and Molly and Jason and Jason Jr. came and went out to eat with us for dinner. We went to Chilli's which I would have loved but my stomach hates me and I'm still waiting on my test results. They said maybe today I would know how the x-ray is but it may take awhile still for the blood work to come back. I hate that I will not know what is wrong until after Michael has left again. I'm hoping nothing serious is wrong because they would have allowed Michael to stay longer if there was something that they may want to do. But with my luck I have a feeling nothing is going to show and there will have to be more tests done. Well I'm going to get off here now and figure out what I'm going to do for lunch. Plus be a leach to Michael for the rest of the day. Write later, bye!
Michael's mom and Mike left yesterday to head back down to KY. It was a better parting this time I think the knowledge of what to expect this time has help and know it is almost over as well. We went out to the Indy race track museum and took the bus tour around the track. It was OK and was time out of the house. Afterward we ate out at Cracker Barrel, and then went to drool at the Harley store that is at Southport road. Actually Michael and Mike drooled the kids and I just walked around. I was smart and put Lulu in the stroller there was no way I was going to let her be down in that store. I couldn't believe how expensive those bikes are.
Anyway we came home and Molly and Jason and Jason Jr. came and went out to eat with us for dinner. We went to Chilli's which I would have loved but my stomach hates me and I'm still waiting on my test results. They said maybe today I would know how the x-ray is but it may take awhile still for the blood work to come back. I hate that I will not know what is wrong until after Michael has left again. I'm hoping nothing serious is wrong because they would have allowed Michael to stay longer if there was something that they may want to do. But with my luck I have a feeling nothing is going to show and there will have to be more tests done. Well I'm going to get off here now and figure out what I'm going to do for lunch. Plus be a leach to Michael for the rest of the day. Write later, bye!
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