The Darkness (comment)

I reread my entry of The Darkness. The way I worded things I'm afraid that someone will take it the wrong way. So after alot of effort I'm going to write here what I'm afraid to say. Because saying it and typing it is two different things, right? Anyway, what I, well it's that.

I NEED YOU! I have never openly whole heartily told anyone that I needed them. I have never uttered those words. I have always done things alone. Which is why I'm so hard headed and stubborn in appearance. But to tell the truth it all started out of necessity. Now it's part of who I am and to admit I can't do something or saying I need help is just to horrible to speak. Michael says I'm hardheaded. Maybe I am but that's not why I'm doing, I don't think. It's just I don't know any other way to handle the current situation. I mean I've relied on some people to a degree but never whole heartily. When Michael and I first got married to be honest I wanted to but things happened and I just retreated back that I think I concreted that door closed. I don't know if I could function right if I gave up control.

Sadly I think I may snap. I need to get away as I said before and I've been thinking about my dad's. Not necessarily to spend time with him but to figure out what is going on with me. But I can't to this until I have finished all my school stuff. You know how some kids take off a year before they start college to figure out what they want to do. I think I need this to do a little soul searching. Be alone with God. I know I don't have to go away to be with him but I think I need to so I can avoid distraction and have total alone time. The only thing is I would need o do this more than likely with out Michael and I don't know if he would understand. I don't think he understands what he got himself into when he married me. Because I don't know. I don't think counseling would help alot. I just feel I don't know maybe led to go off alone. I just don't know if I can wait until I am a certified MA or not. But I have too I spent too much money not too. No interruption until later.

I've put myself last alot and I can keep continuing to do this. I've made it this long I can make it longer. But I would like to do this before I have another little one. I think it would help me handle that and make me a better mom and wife. But who knows, just have to wait and see.

Febuary 28, 2008

Nothing new today, Gabriel is feeling better thankfully lulu shows no signs of strep-throat. We had a lazy day at home as usual. I did talk with Molly today and she said it would be alright if the kids and I went to visit with her on Saturday. Jason is not going to school (at least not right now) he does have drill though. So if I go early it will be just me and Molly. I should be good with just her and not feel so awkward, like when Jason is there or any guy really. But I never let it show just like it will never show with any male patients I may have.

Anyone new topic, I get the joy of running to the bank and depositing the rest of our tax return. Then taking out money for groceries. Going to the grocery store and getting home in time to eat put groceries away and get Gabriel to school. Followed by putting Lulu down for her nap doing some studying for my quiz. Get lulu up from nap, Gabriel home from school make dinner clean some, give Lulu bath and kids to bed. Then I take my quiz and post my summary for class. Then I can have maybe a minute read my bible and go to bed. Look it's late and I'm going to shave my legs tonight since they are turning my water off tomorrow.

Sick and Thinking

Well surprise turn around today. I am slightly feeling better, but I had to take Gabriel to the doctor because he was complaining of a sore throat. He has strep throat. I have confine him to his room. Don't worry he's got his own TV and he's been able to have sherbet and I'm making sure he has plenty to drink. This helps because I really don't want Lydia to get it again. She's already had it like 3-4 times this winter. If she gets it anymore they are going to want and take her tonsils out and she's to little for that. Plus I really just want to make it until Michael gets home before (heaven forbid though) anything else happens. I've been running on just about empty for quite awhile now and I really need a break. Especially before Michael and I start trying for another baby.

I've kinda been thinking that when I finish my school and I pass all my tests and become an official certified MA then I might ask Michael if I can go and visit my dad alone for just a weekend at least. That way I can visit with my dad and be alone with out my every day family. I know dad would be there but I wouldn't feel really good without having someone I know near. Not completely alone but dad is just one. To go to the beach to have quiet time. Plus I wouldn't feel to bad leaving Michael and the kids for just a little bit since I won't finish my school stuff until sometime in September, probably late September. The only problem would be convincing Michael to let me go alone. But I can get an attitude and throw this whole mess into ring if necessary. I don't want to do that and I kinda don't want to leave, but I've never been alone. Yeah Michael isn't totally alone right now but he is someone totally foreign to him and he doesn't have any family there. This would be just about the same thing for me. Well just have to wait and see how things go. September/October is still quiet aways away still.

Rest and Thought

I know I should be resting right now but I can't. Too much on my mind. I layed last night in bed for an hour, AN HOUR. I feel exhausted when I lay down but still I can't seem to fall asleep. Like right now I feel tired but I can't lay down and rest. Every night I lay awake my mind just runs and I can't get it to stop. I try and wait until I am tired but that is like 12pm or so. That's too late. What am I going to do when it comes time for me to get up early and start clinical every morning? Maybe then I'll be tired enough to go to sleep early.

Maybe my problem is the weather combined with other things. All I do is stay inside with the kids. I really need to get out and be outside but it's been so cold I can't stand it. I want to walk through the woods and look at all the leaves and just be in nature. But there are no woods here. A patch of trees at the park. But not like back at home. Where I can take Lulu and go for a walk and let her run ahead without fear of cars or someone grabbing her or Gabriel. To see all the animals and the bugs. But here there is no nature, no woods, no animals really. This is a city, animals can't run free, all you see are maybe squirrels and birds. No raccoons, deers, no rabbits, or dogs and cats running free. Shoot even in town in Falmouth we even had a chickens walk by our window.

I never thought I would miss Kentucky like I do. I always felt like it was weighing me down, us down. I never stopped and thought about it but, all those years I never thought I had a home. But now I wonder in my blindness did I really have a home. But that can't be because my family is my home. As long as I'm with them, right? I mean a house is just a material thing, a possession. I'm sorry it seems like I go along time with nothing to say and then all of a sudden it just comes pouring out me. Being alone has really allowed me to think about all those things I never allowed myself to because I was so busy with everyone else. Everyone needed, me. But now I see what I want. How I would like to live my life. A glimpse, of what could be, but no, unfortunately no.

THE DARKNESS

Another day, another feeling alone, lost, abandonded. I feel the darkness clossing around me and don't know what to do. I pray and know the Lord is with me but I have no human companionship. I have a few aquantances but it's on there terms when we meet not mine. Everyone has there own life. They forget about me and the kids. I am alone. Will it alsways be this way? I have two wonderful kids and a husband that I love and loves me. There is something I want to say to him but am afraid to. I have always done out of nessecity, no one, then a habit and now part of my pride. I am afraid to say it. I love the man this has made him and I am afriad when he goes it goes too. I just can't do it. I want to say it. So badly but I am afraid.

He would give up he loves just like I would. But I don't want him to do that, not even for me. I want him happy. This is what makes him happy. Otherwise he wouldn't have become what he is. If he doesn't do this anymore then what? He gets depressed sounding when he talk swith me about other jobs and school. This is what he wants. I can't take it from him. Someone believes this is costing me my health. But I had problem before. Michael, is all that matters. The children are fine and I am tough I can handle this, I can do this and I will do it as long as necessary. I love him, I will do this for him.

But there is a selfish part of me that wants to tell him. I can't do it I never have been able to do it. I mean every year birthday and Christmas mom hated it because she knew when she asked me I would say I dont' know. honestly I didn't. I matured early, every told me so, whatever. But anyway I knew what was going on how my dad left because we held him back. Mom was sad because she didn't get to do what she wanted. Things didn't trun out her way or whatever. Lack of money, medical, dental and sometimes food. Moving constantly, never knowing a home. I still don't know a home, I don't have one.

I can't bring myself to do it. It would brake away everything I am now. My whole structure and life I have had to make. I am even afraid to write it here for fear of what will happen. I allowed Michael closer than I have anyone else in my life. But to admit this would tear me apart. I would break I can't break I need this. I mean how many more times will he leave me. How many more times will I be a single parent. I need this structure. Honestly if I did not have this I don't know if I could do this.

Math

As you all are probably aware I am not a math lover and do not do well in math. But I am very happy to report that I has offically passed my Math class and thank the Lord I did and I'm done with it. I was so worried that I would be faced with repeating this math class but thankfully I will not have to do this. My next class I have started it Anatomy and Physiology. I was at first looking forward to this class but it's just as difficult as the rest have been so far. Everything is in those wonderful medical terms and words that are very difficult to pronounce. So unfortunately by not beoing in a real clas room I am unable to hear how to correctly pronounciate the words and so I am left up to guessing which makes it very challenging to remember them. But I have confidence that things will be easier once I start clinicals and I am able to watch and learn. I'm hands on and visual. I'm sure things will make better since once I get going. I can't wait to start clinicals. Actually I won't be able to relax until I am certifide. After that then I will relax.

Vineyard Community Church

I have to say that going to Vineyard lst night with the kids was exactly what I needed. The music, the atmosphere even the few people I talked with was wonderful. I could just feel the Lord presence and I haven't felt it that powerful in such a long time. I think I have found my problem and I'm hoping that contuing to go there will strengthen my relationship with the Lord and help me to get out of this funk that I seem to be heading toward.

I found out that they have alot of wonderful small groups. Well they call them life groups but it's the same thing. They have one that meets every thursday at the church from 10am to 11:30 am for mothers. They also provide Child Care which is wonder too. I'm going to call later and see about going to this group for at least the time being. When michael comes home they have a group for married and engaged couples that also provideds child care. I'm hoping this will be just what is needed. I'm very excited.

Today I have also finished my Math class along with my Bloodborne and Airborne pathogens class. I know I'm going to get a good garde in the Bloodborne class but I'm worried an=bout my math class. I'm sitting right on the edge of at least passing with a C and I pray to the Lord that I do. On top of everything else I didn't sleep very well. Poor Lulu work up at alittle after 1am. She had thrown up and the poor thing had to of course manilygot her blanky. Thankfully she was able to go back to sleep with out her balnket and Iwas able to sneak it into the wash. She had it in time for nap time. I plan on going and buying some baby monitors. IT bothers me that she does that and I don't know unless she cries. I'm hoping the next time I will hear her and get to her before she becomes too upset. Well I need to go I'll write again later. Bye!

I'm Back

Not that it has been long enough to really justify the title I picked for today's blog entry but I am trying to be more consitant with my entries. Well the visit down to see the family went well. I was actually very disapointed when it came time to leave. For some reason instead of being dying to get back home and to my bed and own stuff I was actually dreading the return trip. I'm not sure why maybe I knew it was going to be about five weeks until my next trip down and when I do go down it will be shorter than this time and will be awhile again until I go down. But I'm not entirely sure. There just something about feeling like I'm I guess maybe home when I go down to KY. Maybe it's becuase it was the longest state I had lived in. I really like living in the country. I mean there's plenty of room to run I can relax and not be scared that the kids are going to run into the road when I stay with my in-laws. And the trees oh the trees and I never thought I would miss the hills. They flow so well and there so rolling and the I don't know. I just miss the trees and the space. But I'm sure there are plenty of trees up here and space. (I hope!) But Michael and I will find out and I plan on being really picky and praying very hard before we buy a house. Well its late I need to sleep, (if I can) write again tomorrow if there's time. Maybe I'll have something intersting to say about Michael maybe some news. Who knows?

Febuary 14, 2008

Well it will be at least four days until my next post. I am currently going now to KY to visit with family. I haven't seen them since the first week of January. I won't see them again until after this visit...until well Easter weekend. Gabriel has this Friday and following Monday off from school. I am hoping to be able to take Gabriel to see the new Dr. Sueus movie that is coming out to theaters tomorrow. It is "Horton hears a who" it looks really cute and Jim Carrey is the voice of Horton. Well Till later!

Carnival Cruise Lines

Michael just recently asked me to look into a cruise for our anniversary this year. Which sound like such a wonderful idea. Aparently with the military and him coming off a deployment he is able to get a very nice discount. But even with the discount it will still cost more than we or I may be willing to spend. It will probably be over a thousand dollars for the whole thing. The driving the gas the food. You have to pay extra for onshore activites and of course drinks and special things like that while you are on the ship. Plus the is a five dollar a day charge per person for fuel exspense. So there where some hidden charges. I just don't think we could afford it. I mean we need a new washer and dryer really bad. Lydia is going to need to move to a twin bed instead of a toddler bed soon. Michael and I could really use a new mattress and he is goin to need a vechilce after he comes home. So I really don't see how we are going to be able to afford a trip. Plus we are thinking about going ahead and pay off the jeep and Michael had a charge card while he is over there so we need to pay it off as well. I hate to be the one to tell him but I don't think we can go on a crusie. This stinks. I mean we really didn't even get a honeymoon after we got married and still have not done anything. This year will be our five year anniversary and Michael also turns 25. I don't know but I think we are going to have to figure something else out or wait until our 10 year. Of well, maybe another time.

Ponder

I sometimes get these, I don't know if you would call them ideas or not but these thoughts. I shared one with Michael today. Here is a pieace of our conversation.

Mandy: Do you believe that who we are is only a matter of what we believe we can be?

Michael: What do you mean?

Mandy: I don't know, I've heard that people who are bad also have the potential for good, right. So then if that is true than the potential of evil is in all of us. But maybe we are who we believe we can be if we believe in a greater good. Then we strive for that. But those who believe in something evil than that is their goal. Like that for power or wealth. In the bible it talks about money being a root for evil. People believe money is power, thus they strive for it.

Michael: Ok I agree. But what brought this up?

Mandy: I'm not sure, it kinda came to me, this is not the first time something like this has came to me. Is that weird?

Michael: No

Mandy: Sometimes I feel it is.

Michael: Why?

Mandy: I don't know who talks like this Or thinks this way?

Michael: Maybe it's from the Lord?

Mandy: WHo am I that the Lord would use me? Why would he and what is the reason for me to say this?

Michael: I don't know but he can use anyone.

Mandy: I just think as I said before that beliving in a greater is us beliving in God. Thus we strive to be like him. I hope you knew that was what I meant for us anyway as Christ followers.

Michael: I know what you meant I usually always do. You didn't have to explain the meaning to me I could read between the lines.

Mandy: Right sorry I feel compelled alot to explain myself.

Michael: I know.
This is part of our conversation. I'm not sure why and what the point is to this all. But it is not the first time I have felt complelled to say something. Sometimes it is out of no where and other times I have these thoughts after I've heard or watched something. I was always the one's my friends in school came to with a problem and even my own father comes to me for advise. I need to pray and see what is going on. I've always wonder and I just thought I just have alot of common sense and that is all this is. I don't know. Anyone out ther have a thought?

Febuary 8, 2008

Michael called today, yeah! It was at 3 in the morning. But it was so good to hear his voice. I didn't realize how much I miss him in such the short time he's left again. I feel myself slipping back into the patern from before. I miss him, I want him home. But am I being selfish? I mean he is doing something that is really important, he's making a difference. What right do I have to tell him that sometimes I don't want to do this? I love the man that the army has made him. I wouldn't change that. But I don't know what I want. What is best for us? It kinda bothers me, but I can't tell him that a part of me wants him to quite. I can't do that, I won't. I need to go write more later. Oh they are coming home to the base/camp here yeah!

The Giants

Last night was an awesome game. I was on the edge of my seat there at the end. I was so happy when the final score was 17-14. Giants win over the patriots! I couldn't help but think threw this whole thing how pround Archie Manning must be of his boys. I mean Payton winning the super bowl lat year and his youngest Elli winning it this year. How many father's get to say that my sons won the super bowl and back to back years! I can't wait to tell Michael that the patriots lost. The Patriots are kinda like the sworn enemies of the Colts and alot of people here in Indinana found themselves momentarliy Giants fan last night. I feel bad that Michael was unable to watch the game last night since he is in that area that has nothing and they have to sleep outside. I hope he is feeling better. Last time I talked with him he was feeling like he was coming down with a cold or something. Thankfully we can talk at the end of the week and longer than 10 min. since he'll have the internet back up and running again. YEAH!

Super Bowl Sunday

Today is a day that people will be going nuts. I mean come on it's super bowl sunday. This means that people will be heading out to family and friends houses to enjoy one of American's favorite past time of stuffing their faces, drinking beer and yelling at there family's TV. I'm not exactly knocking this don't get me wrong. I throughly enjoy watching my Husband's family get all rilled up. For example if the Colts are playing my Mother-in-law becomes a chain smoker and can't sit until the game is over, she gets so worked up.

Anyway this makes me think back to last year's superbowl. I can't believe it has been a year already. This time last year Michael and I where discussing how things were going to go when we got to his family's house. You see we broke the news that he was getting deployed before the start of the game. It went as expected. I feel bad in a way because I prayed and asked God that he would allow the Colts to win the super bowl so that things would lighten up. It may not have been the bes time to tell the family that he was going to war, but it was bes for us to go and get it out of the way since everyone was there and we wouldn't have to drive all over the place. It makes me sad today and I miss Micahel even more today. There is always something to make me think about him. Some days are just harder than others. But I've been dealing rather well. Thank the Lord there is days ahead than more. He'll be home soon, praise GOD!

I have been spending alot of time on youtube here lately. I have found tons of good dedication videos for our troops. Some are very sad and I can not help but cry and think of Michael and his buddies whenever I see them. But it's good that they are out there. Hopefully it will help people think about what things are like in their lives and their families lives. So few care. There is a really good video with my favorite song, "Praise you in this storm," by casting crowns. It's from jkstar09 . I love this song and has such meaning to me about what I am going threw with Michael being gone. It gives me strength to go on. The Lord is my Rock, and my shield, for I will praise him all the days of my life!