Matthew 5:4

I'm not sure where to even begin. My life after that last post has been dramatically changed. In alot of ways for the best. I'll give a brief summary so that you will maybe understand. After that last entry I did take a pregnancy test. It said yes. Though out the summer we continued our search for a home while Michael continued to adjust to life as a civilian again. Then august came. On august 23 I miscarried the baby. I was supposed to be 11 weeks but the ultrasound said that the baby was only 8 1/2 weeks. I became depressed. I spent a few days in bed. I can't remember what it was exactly that brought me around. It may have been the fact that Michael was starting to get edgy living at my mom's and not being able to do anything for me, but I started to make myself get up and do things.

While all of this was going on we still tried to find a home. A week after losing the baby I was looking in a realty magazine and just happened to see a wonderful double wide for sale. It was on 1 acre with 4 bedrooms and 2 full bathes. We made an appointment that week to go and see it. I really didn't look to much as I was still feeling bad. In the end we bought it, moved in on Halloween day. I was still struggling with my feelings and everything while trying to get the kids into a routine Gabriel with school and things.

One Sunday our preacher at our church came and told me about a new Sunday school group they had started. Everyone there had young children or children. He probably thought it would help knowing what I was going through. Michael and I went and let me say I didn't go in with an open mind given my past history with the church. But I will say after a few times I was surprised with how everything was going. After being invited to a Co-op meeting ( home school group that meets at the church) I got to know some of the other mom's from Sunday school. I can now say I am friends with a very nice mom named Dawn. She is a mother of five children. Her son is only a year older than Gabriel, Simon. Natalie her middle child is only a year older than Lydia and they are almost like two peas in a pod. Then there is Valerie who is three months younger than Tony and Lastly There's brand new Lucy. Cute as can be of course. She has been a real blessing to me with everything.

A month after my loss I realized I could either grow from my Lord or Grow closer to him through this. I didn't grow closure I've clung to him. I am ever the more faithful in my reading and prayer time with him. Not just that but I have begun teaching in Sunday school. preschool and kindergarten class and the first and second grade class as well. I've been feeling like I'm really going in the direction the Lord wants me to be.

Despite all this great growth Michael and I are still trying. I am on clomid again. Started off on 50mg. Getting my progesterone levels checked. But still nothing. I've had my thyroid checked as well and they say it's fine. They have bumped me up to 100mg for march and I am going to start doing a OPK every day to see when I am ovulating. Despite all this I still have a twinge of fear that even when I do finally get pregnant I may loss the baby. Before I never even consider it a possibility but now I see things different. I know the Lord is not cruel and he loves me even if I do not understand his ways. I know all I can do is pray and wait to see if the Lord will bless me again. I feel horrible for saying this but I feel weird being around Dawn. Especially while she was pregnant. But I wasn't going to let that get int the way. Now that the baby is here I had this internal battle going on. Should I hold the baby should I not. That first Sunday she was at church I could barely look at her. But I made myself look at her even touch her when I took Dawn's valentine stuff to her. The next visit Michael told me to hold the baby he thinks it would help. So I did. Even a couple of times. It was nice but at the same time that horrible ache came back to my arms.

The first time I felt this ache heaviness was a week after the miscarriage. I had such a desire to hold something. Over time it became worse and then I got Jill for Christmas. I guess Michael thought she would help. (Jill is our cat). In a way it did, but now I see it only suppressed it. Because after holding Lucy that feeling came back. It was all I could do not to cry there in front of Dawn and the kids and on the way home. Once home I succumbed to it. I pray every night for Dawn and her family for every pregnant women I come across and every new mother. I just can't help but ask when is it my turn Lord. When do I get my baby? I prayed for my baby the first two weeks. Asking the Lord to watch over my little one until I could come and be with it. But after two weeks I knew there was no longer a reason to because I knew he would. There way really no reason to pray for that in the first place other than my peace of mind.

One night when I was feeling especially blue wondering what can I do to alleviate some of this sadness this immense pressure I feel I started flipping through the bible. I had my ultrasound photo there beside me of the baby. Then my bible fell open to the book of Matthew. I looked down it was open to the fifth book of Matthew. My eyes feel straight to verse four. "Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted" It was like lightning. I knew do fully deal for me I needed to name the baby. To full give way to my pain and if by naming the baby brought this process around I was. I named him Matthew for the comfort that verse in that book brought me. I really can't explain this but It all felt right. In naming him, the baby I was able to really see what had happened. To know that my mourning was normal and I was mourning a really little person, my little person. Know that I will never forget. Know that he is waiting for me and I will one day be with him, is a comfort. This month coming up will be a difficult one for me. March 12th was my due date. My little Matthew was supposed to join our family then know that he never will is very hard. My secret hope is that though Matthew can not be here maybe the Lord will bless us with the knowledge that another little one is on the way. Look it's late I need to get off here. I'll write more later. Hopefully more often now.