March 31, 2008

It's been a few days since I have last heard from Michael. I last talked with him on wed. He told me he would call me back the next day and it is now Sunday night and still nothing. Usually if he says he'll talk to me the next day and goes one day without then I'll chalk it up to the Internet not working or something like that. I mean it's not like we haven't gone a long time without talking but he will at least tell me if he has a mission coming up or something but I honestly have no idea what is going on and it is really bothering me. I mean I always know at least kinda what's going on and now nothing. I'm hoping he's at that school they talked about sending him to and he just was unable to talk with me before he left and there is no Internet there. But he said he was getting a phone card. I don't know I need to chill and try and relax. I mean as long as I don't hear anything then it's ok. It's just you always wondering if I might get the call. The one all wives of soldiers dread. It's second to a car coming to the house. I pray every day and night fro him and will even when he gets home. I hope I hear from him soon. Please Lord watch over and protect him.

March 27, 2008

Well it's been a little bit since I last wrote and let me say alot has been happening. First of all spring break for myself has been this week. Next week is Gabriel's spring break and we are going down to KY. Apparently we are moving now back down there. Which I have no problem with. I'm actually kinda excited. Except that I have to tell Molly and Jason. Which I really don't want too. But of course I have too. But to be honest we will more than likely see them as much as I do now. But anyway I have alot to do and not a whole lot of time. This week coming up I have to look for a clinical site. Get Gabriel enrolled at Northern Elm. Help Chris work around the house in preparation of Michael coming home and his party. Which we are having June 7. I'm getting very excited. I also though have to do my homework while I am down there, which stinks. But I don't have much of school left anyway and it's getting close to time for me to start my clinical. I am hoping I can find a DR. office I can do it at in either, Dry Ridge, Williamstown, or even Crittendon. But if all else fails I can drive to Lexington and do them there because my school has already set up a site there. Well I need to go I have alot to do. I'll try to continue and write when I can. Bye for now.

The kids and the Rats

Here's Gabriel and Miss Remy. I was very surprised the first time Gabriel let her climb on him. But I think I did a good job in picking out the perfect pet for Him. He really like the rats and thankfully Remy is very friendly and patient with the kids. Now Princess is more like Miss Kitty. My sister's pet cat. Her name (Princess) suites her very well.

This is Miss Remy that Lydia is playing with. She's being very gentle here. She's not always gentle, this is because she tends to get very excited about our new family pets. Plus she's two! Remy is good with her though. Princess is too skittish for the kids. I tend to spend more one on one time with her so that she will continue to get used to being held. Eventually I'm hoping she'll feel better with the kids.

Readability

A friend of mine Chad Doerr Found a website that checks your blog readability. HE scored at and elementary level, as did I. I did some digging and found out why that was. Apparently it means that our blogs are safe for children to read because we do not exploit anything sexual or inappropriate for young readers. Which I found to be very refreshing. I mean how many people out that can say that in there daily life (which I believe is what our blogs reflect) we have morally health persona's. We don't need to live our lives with inappropriate thoughts or actions. Very wholesome and clean. I really like that.

Miss Rimey and Princess Pictures

The girls love to crawl on me and the kids and they love to sit on your shoulders. They are around 2 months old right now.

This is the girls home. They seem to really like it and the kids love that they can see them so easily. They love the different levels.

This is Miss Remy. She is solid blue/gray and has black eyes. She is very friendly and likes to explore alot. She is more active than Princess.

This is Princess as you can see, she is gray/blue and white with black eyes. She has a hood as they call it. Becuase he color goes all the way down her back. She is not as out going as Miss Remy is.

This is Princess and Miss Remy. Remy is on the right and Princess on the left. They love to sit on your soulders. Miss Remy likes to hide in my hair so I usually put it up.

Miss Rimey and Princess

Well we now have two pets. After all this time I kept saying I didn't want any pets until we had a home because I was afraid it would just add to my stress. How wrong I was. I can't believe I forgot how relaxing it is to actually have pets. I love animals and I have really missed them. I have alwyas wanted to share my love of animals with my children. I loved thinking about how they would help to take care of them and to see the joy light up on their little faces as the get to take care of them and love them. Lydia most deffiently has my love of all animals. Scooter on the other hand is not loving with all animals on account some scare him. But he is doing better. That's all I can ask. Anyway, our new pets are rats! Yes you heard me right and they are so cute and loving. Gabriel named one Remy after the movie Ratatouille. But I had to tell him that Remy is a girl. So he said Miss Remy. I said that fine but we call her mainly Remy. Now the other one Lulu named and she is called princess, of course! Below is a list of their body type and so on:

Princess
Color: Hood is dark chocolate and hind is white
Body Type: Standard
Markings: Hooded
Coat: Smooth

Remy
Color: Solid Chocolate
Body Type: Standard
Markings: None
Caot: Smooth

I have always had pet hampsters but never rats. I still love hampsters but I think if I had to choose from now on I would get only rats. Thankfully they live a little longer than hampsters and they are really affectionet and smart. I hope Michael likes them when he comes home. I think he will. Well gotta go write more later, bye.

March 15, 2008

Well everything went ok. As far as mom told me and I remember. Wed. was when I had to get ready for the procedure. Thankfully it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I figured I would have pain and discomfort. But I just had to potty. Anyway the only thing I remember that was alarming about it all was when they where giving me the the stuff to make me sleep my heart rate jumped up really high like almost 160. But it went back down so they gave me the rest and went on. Then mom said I woke up and was saying about of stuff. Like I was worrying about whether or not Michael's mom would like the gift the kids and I sent her and stuff like that. But Everything went ok and apparently I have IBS. Which I kinda figured I had. I'll know more when I go back in April. Well I need to go now oh yeah on more thing. The kids and I got a pet for the family. A pet rat. Gabriel named her Remy but it's Miss Remy since she's a girl. Well gotta go write more later bye.

The Truth, Finally part 2

Oh I feel awful. I reread what I wrote and I sound like such a baby and so selfish. I mean Michael has sacrificed alot. He left Lydia when she was only four months old. Came back when she was eight and a half months old. Then he left when she was 18 months old and is still gone. I mean he's lost alot of time with her and Gabriel too. It was wrong of me to say so many bad things about him and how he feels. It wasn't fair of me to say those things. Just because I was upset didn't give me the right and I want to say that I am sorry. He has been very good to us. The Army has been good to us. KY is full of some unpleasant memories. I think Michael is Army, even if he is hesitant to say so. I think he is more than he may realize. Which is not a bad thing. I've just been dwelling on all the negative things and I was wrong. There are good things and I just need to see those. Lord help me to see those. I pray every day asking what to do. Every answer is to trust Michael, is the one thing I have yet to fully give into. I want to but if I tell him something like this is up to him he just says no it's up to us both. Then around and around we go. I don't know what to do. I love him I always have and will always do. Just now what do I do?

Maybe he's right and we need to decide to together. But I don't want to! Why do I have to. I'm tired and I'm afraid I may end up keeping him from doing something that he needs to do. What if he regrets it like my father regrets getting out. Michael can become great. What if my feelings blind me? My fear blinds me? Or my stubborn pride brings me to make the wrong decision because I'm scared? Then what do we do? I'm afraid I will be the down fall. I'm afraid what I choose and say will be wrong and I know if I say, get out he will, or stay he will. I just don't want to do that.

Lord please help us. We are so young and are so new to the world still and our family. We want to do what is right in your eyes. We need your strength and courage to see the answers whatever they maybe. Thank you heavenly father for all that you do. Be with us and guide us in all things. Amen!

Look I'll write more later and let you know how things go. Until then later!

The Truth, Finally

I can't do it anymore. I need to write it down somewhere and why not here? I need to let out my true feelings about everything. The things I wish to tell Michael but am afraid to tell him. I'm afraid because I think he will actually be upset and get mad but wouldn't tell me. So instead I will say it here since he doesn't read my blog I'm safe to put it here. I don't want him to re-enlist. To retire from the military. I'm very proud of what he has done and I think he should be proud of it too. But I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to worry when the next time it will be for him to leave us. If the next time, will he get hurt. If he'll even come home at all. I want to have a nice calm family. You know work come home spend time with the kids and me. Help me out with being a parent. If I wanted to be an only parent I wouldn't of gotten married and let it just have been me and Gabriel. But I didn't want that. I wanted a family in ever means of the word. A mom and dad and kids. What the Lord intended families to be.

I only want to work part time. So I feel like I am contributing to something. To help people like the Lord wants me too. If not for that feeling then I would be happy to be a stay at home mom. I want to be there for my kids and my husband. But I'm so stressed and upset and maybe even a little depressed. Not severely just a little. I want a home one Michael and I can fix up together make it our own. Have friends and invite them over for different occasions. I want another child maybe even two more. But I can't take care of four children alone. I mean I would if I had to but the stress would be so high because we have no family here. I always thought I liked the idea of having to drive and be far enough away that we would have to stay with family when we would go to visit. Bu now I'm not so sure. I'm sure if Michael was home I wouldn't feel that way. I do want t four bedroom home so that way we have a room for family to stay in when they come to visit. If they come to visit.

I mean I had always thought that maybe Michael could be a police officer. I think he would be very good at it. I mean it's the closet thing to being in the military. He gets to wear a uniform and drive a car. He gets to car a gun and make a real difference wherever we are living for our community. But I don't know. I just won't be the one to tell him that I want him to get out. I want him to get out because he decided that he doesn't want to keep being away from his family. But he doesn't, I mean it can't be that bad for him since he doesn't worry about being gone from us for long periods of time. It just has always made me wonder. I mean I had though about joining. But I didn't one because Michael wouldn't like it for whatever reason. But mainly because I didn't want to be away from the kids and Michael. I love them too much and time is precious. You can't get things back once it's gone it's gone.

I would never, I swear even think about it, on my life and anything else, but I at least understand why people who are left behind fall and find someone else. I mean even God said man can not live alone. Even the Lord said loneliness is not a good thing. He doesn't want us to be alone. So at least he understand how hard this is for me. I would never look for someone else I love Michael too much, but I do need a friend. I'm so lonely and desperate for a friend. I'm kind scared that my defences are down and someone may take advantage of me. I mean I hate that I am so closed of to even people at church but I need to be cautious. I know myself and how other people are. It's easy to take advantage of someone in my situation. That's why I don't tell alot of people I'm left alone. I feel vulnerable and kinda abandoned.

Michael says it's hard on him too. But he doesn't talk about it. I kinda understand why he wouldn't talk, share or show me that it's hard on him too. But I bet you anything he won't when he comes home. I mean he's not even hesitant about think of anything else to do. It's just jobs in the military. I mean I know this is wrong but he seems cold. Like he doesn't really feel what I do and just sometimes says things to me to make me think he kinda does but I don't think he really does. I like every aspect of the military. I mean he even made a comment one time that it's good to be away. Then he has the nerve to even act like he doesn't want me to go away even for a weekend. So of course I end up telling him I don't want to go away alone but just need to be alone with him.

No I want to see what it's like alone since it doesn't bother him I want to see if that's true. Whether I'll mind being away or not. That's kinda one reason I want to go somewhere over seas. So he can understand what it's like for me while he's gone. Because I don't think he appreciates anything. It's he sees how hard it is for him and that there is no way it's as hard here. I want him to see it from my point of view. I mean he had to go away to boot camp before he was loving and somewhat understanding of me. Maybe this is what I have to do again. I just hate that it comes down to this again. I sacrifice and sacrifice over and over for him but he has no idea. Plus he doesn't know because I don't tell him. Well it means nothing when you have to tell someone everything. I was hoping he would eventually know me. But I guess he never will. I mean what has he sacrificed? Really, I can't think of anything. I kinda want to run away. I mean honestly I have had these feelings. But if it all comes out I'm the bad guy. Just like always. I mean I'm finally doing something for me. My school stuff but it's managed to turn into something I have to do also.

I mean like he said if I want a home and stuff I have to work. So there it goes. No longer about doing it for my purpose of serving the Lord by helping, it becomes about money and help us buy a home and other things we need. All this because my husband took so long figuring out what he wants to do for a career. You won't always have someone to help you and you need to learn and take care of yourself. People let you down and that is what Michael is doing wither he knows it or not. He lets us down almost every day by simply not being here. Some people would say that is not far to him. But he knew everything before he joined. When he first joined I thought I wanted him to be away because of the way he treated me. At first it was nice, he wasn't there to be mean to me and make me feel bad about myself and everything. But my anger I felt toward him wants strong enough to cover how much I loved him and that no matter how he treated me I wanted him. I just wanted him to treat me better. I didn't take it in the long run. When he came home and treated me better, I felt indebted to the military for they had helped him. But then he have been apart so long that I have to wonder if the little bit of time together he was only nice because he knew he would be leaving. So then why would I want him to leave the military if it meant this Michael I have come to love more leaves also. So I encourage him to stay even though my heart is screaming no, stay with me don't leave me too. Like so many others have.

Oh my gosh that's it. Every time he leaves I feel the abandoned all over again. Because even in this way he is abandoning me and not only me but the children. We are left to take care of ourselves without him, and now mainly without family as well. I mean we are his family he is supposed to take care of us. But he's not. At least not full time. We are only part of his life now. He need only care for us part time and then he leaves and we are left to find for ourselves. He if supposed to hold our family together. I've been doing it for five years. I so want to pass the reins over to him. But I can't because I will always have to have hold since we never know when he will leave again. Plus I wonder if he could handle it. I mean I know we don't live in the dark ages anymore. But even know at least among Christian family's there comes a time when the husband or father who is supposed to be head of the household makes a decision for the family and no one argue about it. He makes the decision because he feels God's will in it and the family doesn't argue because they trust love and respect him enough that they believe he is doing what is best for the family.

I want this, I want Michael to step up. But he hasn't, he can't and I don't think he wants too. I think maybe he likes the idea that he is the head of the family but is more comfortably letting me do it because maybe he doesn't want the responsibility that the Lord intended him to have. But has become comfortably with the arrangements that we have outspokenly made since we got married. Publicly people think he wears the pants but deep down he knows I do. Which is why he has a times complained that we always do what I want to do. But this is against my will. I never wanted this. But I have always been thrust into a position of leadership. Whether I know it or not. It is now part of my core being. Even if by some miracle ( Like God showing Michael is real true first job) I would be hesitant to give up the reins to him from just having them for so many years. I Love Michael I don't want any one thinking anything bad about my husband from this. This is just how I feel and think. He may be totally oblivious to this all and thus it is not his fault. He is a good man and father and does the best he can. I will never stop loving him no matter what happens. But I wonder if he knows to the extent of what causes my stress? I need to go I'm getting upset and I have more to say but I need to stop and take a break. It's just so weird how it all comes pouring out of me like this. But I have held it all inside to long. It was beginning to eat away at me. Hopefully now it won't be so fast.

March 6, 2008

Well I went to see Dr. Hanley my gastro specialist. He has informed me that our next step in finding out what is wrong with me is to have a colonoscopy. Yeah me! The idea I think is what is more disturbing to me than probably the whole thing. I don't know, ok I think the whole thing is stressing me out. Anyway I'm scheduled for the procedure on Thursday the 17th. 7 am, so at least the whole not eating I can get out of the way. I already can't eat at all the day before the procedure just clear liquids. Which they where kind enough to give me a list so I'll know what clear liquids I can have.

Next topic for now. Michael and I were able to talk today. Which is usually always lovely. Except if he's trying to quite dipping. I can't wait until he finally does because someone should only have to experience someone going through withdraws once. I have experienced Michael going through it definitely more than once. Each time is the same and I'm afraid to talk to him. I really hope he finally has enough will power to quiet this time. It would be a very good testament to the kids because he can show that no matter how hard something is with Prayer and perseverance you can over come anything.

I found out that last week two friends of Michael and mine where in an accident. Shawn Hayslette and Jason Caldwell. Both graduated from high school my freshmen year and Michael's junior year. They are both 26 years old. Shawn sustained severe head trauma, a broken collar bone, a broken left arm, ripped tendons in his left hand, and part of his right ear was cut off. Surgery was done to sew the ear portion back on. Two holes were drilled in his head where tubes were placed. Shawn is still unconscious, but has been responding to verbal communication to give the thumbs up sign. They said they may take out the head tubes this week. So hopefully when I'm able to get in touch with someone they will have already done this. Jason sustained a broken ankle, some skin abrasions and a slight concussion. Jason had a pin placed in his ankle this past Monday. He has already been discharged. Jason said he thought they hit some black ice which caused him to lose control of the car and slide over into the southbound lane hitting a bread truck head-on. I'm hoping they will both be back on their feet soon. I'm hoping I can get them to come to Michael's party when he gets back home.

Anyway the kids and I went to the library after dinner tonight. We went over into the children's part since Gabriel is starting to want to try and read. So we got him some of the beginner one books. He actually read one whole book with very little help from me. He did very good and thankfully didn't get mad. Lydia played with some of the other children there. We do need to work on her sharing but she's not around enough little kids her age. She's used to big kids and she kinda has watch them be rough and now she is starting to get that way too. I'm hoping as she gets bigger I can talk to her and she won't run off so bad. She's very bad about walking off. Anyway we then went to Hobby Lobby and I got some tote bags for the kids to decorate and we are going to use them as our library book bags. That way they will be able to pick out their own and put them in their own bags. Make them feel big and maybe get into it. I'm hoping they develop my love for books too. I mean they love anything their daddy does and I really want them to be able to enjoy something that I do. Ok, Lydia also shares my love for animals (all animals). I'm sure there's more at least I hope so. But books are my main thing. Well it's late I need to go now. Write more later!

March 4, 2008

Yes, it is finally March. This time is going by fast and I hope it does continue to do so until Michael is back home with us. There is a rumor going around that he may be home sooner than was originally thought. I would love this to be true but for my own protection I still tell myself it will not be until the end of June. I always like to expect the worst and celebrate when I'm wrong.

Anyway, Michael is doing fine Weid and him are back together again and they have resumed their normal activities together. Like going to the gym and stuff. I'm so glad he has a friend over there. It makes me feel better that he has someone to talk to and hang out with. Plus I've talked with Weid a few times on the phone. He has a very deep voice compared to Michael. There very close in age and I think Michael said he is taller than him. But no offense to Michael alot of guys are. But it is alittle awkward talking to Weid on the phone. I never know what to say and I feel like I may sound like and idiot. I hope not. Apparently he informed him of the comment I made about how I like his big cheesy smile. I was just telling Michael how it would be nice if he smiled as big as Weid. Michael doesn't always smiley as freely as say I do. But mine is a reaction to shyness and new environment or new people. Stuff like that.

Oh. yeah I also have my Dr. appointment tomorrow. I'll write more tomorrow let you know what the Dr. says. Bye for now!