Clinicals

Well I am sorry that I have not been posting regularly. But with myself starting my clinical and trying to get used to being gone and being away from the kids and Michael going back to work and trying to figure out everything, things have been a little hectic. On top of all of this poor Ma maw Nannie passed away Friday. The layout was this past Sunday and the funeral was Monday. Which I had to miss because it was my first day of clinical. Which are going OK but is making me neglect my blog and a few other things. But family and this is more important and I will try and post when I can. But it will not be regular for awhile. Well I need to go it's late and I am tired. Write when I can, bye. Oh by the way tomorrow is when I take my pregnancy test and I am so stressed out about it. I am so afraid it will be negative. But there is always next month, right?

May 4, 2008

Today Gabriel had his tonsils and adenoids removed at Children's Hospital in Cincy. I really like it there alot. Everyone is friendly and it is very oriented toward the children's needs. He did very well. He was given some medication before they took him back. They said it would be equivalent to drinking a few beers. It was funny. He kept telling me that I had two heads and had the hiccups really bad. He kept laughing and giggling. He was cute. HE did very well when he got the "sleepy gas" as they call it. He even got to pick a flavor to smell. He picked bubble gum. After what feels forever we where able to go back and see him. He was so pitiful, anyway we went to the bathroom and he asked me if they had taken his tonsils out. I told him yes. Unfortunately on the way home he got sick. Thankfully he didn't have anything in his stomach. He's sleeping right now taking it easy. Daddy has gone to picked up our other little one. It's funny how you really enjoy time alone but then you start thinking about how much you miss them. Love my babies

May 28, 2008

Well today is the day that Gabriel goes for his consultation about having his tonsils removed. Which I have opted to stay home to allow Lydia to have a nap and I let Michael take Scooter instead. Which I am ok with right now since it is not the actual procedure which I will definitely be there for. But I'm glad this gives Michael and Gabriel some alone time for guy stuff and I can do my homework for school in quite and Lydia can nap. Which is really good because she can get really cranky ad fast.

Things are going well. The Indy 500 race was ok except I kept having potty problems and my nerves where all over the place. If it wasn't or that then I would be able to really enjoy myself. It was ok until it was time to go home. I won't say what happened other than it involved one of Michael's uncles and for once it was not one from the Jenkins's side of the family. I was asked not to say anything so I will not. Just say goodness it got edgy.

Real quick before I go today is also my mother's birthday and I believe that she is turning 43. She is due back home on the 30th and John is very excited to have her home. Along with everyone else. Well I need to go and get back to my home work I'll write more later. Bye.

May 20, 2008

I am currently in my last week of my radiography class and I am praying that I pass it. I could really care less about the class. But since I have to take it, then I'm concerned about it. But I could care less, this does not intrigued me one bit. But oh well. Michael has been doing really well since I picked him up last Friday. We are of course still attending the big thing on Thursday since I is meant for Michael and all of his buddies and yes we are still going to the Indy 500 this weekend as well. I' very excited and will write more later. Well I need to go I'm stalling because I really don't won't to work on my chapter 12 assignment. Later!

Uncle Gary

Tuesday started of wonderfully. Michael called me and we were able to talk for quite along time. Well, at least long for what we are used too. Any way, later on in the day Casey called me. He sounded really down and I could tell something was wrong. I was afraid he was calling to tell me that Mawmaw Nannie had passed away. Instead he told me that Uncle Gary had died. I couldn't believe it. I mean he hadn't been feeling bad or sick. Casey said that Aunt Genie was home with him an that he had had a heart attack while he was out working in the barn. See he had Dairy cows and worked really hard with them. I just can't believe it. I mean the first time we took Gabriel fishing was out to Uncle Gary's. We always went out there to fish. We would of course stop and talk for a little bit when we went. I was so looking forward to taking Lydia out there for her first time fishing this summer and to see Gary and Genie. Especially since Michael will be home too. The sad thing is Michael doesn't know. I tried to call the red cross to see if they would get the message to him but they said no. Pretty much has to be parent, wife, or child only. I think that is stupid. I mean I wasn't asking for him to come home just tell him what happened. Especially since this was so sudden. Well I need to go. I'm hoping Michael calls so I can tell him before the layout which I have a feeling will be Friday or Saturday. I still haven't heard anything yet. I'll write more later. Oh yes, only 15 more days to go before Michael is finally home, yeah!

May 5, 2008

I had a busy day today. I first started of my day by taking Gabriel to the Dr. I was afraid he had strep-throat. Thankfully he didn't, but they are referring us to the ENT at children's. Apparently we have waited long enough and his tonsils are really big. They always have been but he has started to snore now and they can later on interfere with breathing and swallowing. So we have to wait and see what they officially decide when we go. Then the kids and I headed over to Wells Fargo there in Dry Ridge to start working on our paper work for our VA loan and finding a home. After that we then were on our way to Wally world to get some groceries. Followed by filling up the jeep at shell dying over gas prices and then McDonald's.

On the way home Michael called. But thanks to the signal and my crappy phone I lost him. Mike is going to leave me his phone, Michael said he would call me tomorrow thankfully. He is supposed to leave this week for the half way point. Then home. US soil. He's dying to see green, it's already hot over there and they moved them into tents so there replacements could have there rooms. I'm so excited for him to be home but when I start to think about it all I get nervous and uneasy. What if things are different? Then what? I'm sure things will be good but I'm still nervous. Well it's late I need to head to bed. Later!

Box from Iraq

Today I received Michael's foot locker from Iraq. Which thankfully it is starting to make all this real. He is coming home soon! This month actually! I can't believe it has already been a year since he left. Thank God he's coming home to me soon! I opened the box which he told me to go ahead and do. I just never though I was going to get so emotional. But he had his stuff in there an I knew that the stuff was just recently there with him and he out his blanket in there. Which I just stood there and held it for a long time with my eyes closed. Trying to remember how he felt and smelled. It's funny how you try to remember things and you realize that you forget some of the little things. But thankfully they all come back as soon as you are together again. I can't wait to feel him pressed up against me again. We don't even have to be doing anything just hugging and I'll be thrilled. I keep telling myself that I won't cry. But there is a part of me that thinks I will since I've tried really hard not to this whole entire time that he has been gone.

But when he's home I can put my guard down because he is finally home and I don't have to worry any more about him getting hit by an IED. Or anything else equally awful. But I am alittle weary because he has been gone for so long and things change alot in a year. I mean my feelings for him haven't.I love him more now than ever. But it seems alittle weird. I hope that this is normal. We have one more FRG meeting coming up on the 18th of this month and I am defiantly going. I want to know everything I can before he gets home. Well gotta go it's late and I'll write more later. Bye!

Sunday 27, 2008

Yesterday was Jeena, Josh, Jake, and Jacksons birthday party over at the Jenkins's. They had the parties at Uncle Kelly's house. It was pretty good. Jeena turned 3, Josh and Jake 1 and Jackson 10. I also went over to see Uncle Stacey since he had come back home from UC. He had alittle above his knee amputated. But he seems in good spirits but still alittle swollen. I'm in the process of trying to find him some orthotic socks but I don't know his measurments so it is proven to be a challenge. But I'm going to try and go over one day and see what he has and doesn't and go from there. I haven't heard from Michael yet but maybe tomorrow. I'm doing much better with the gap in time since I know it is about less than a month until I see him again. This time he stays home and I'm so excited. Well I need to go write later bye.

One month left

I only have one month left until Michael is finally back home with us and I can't wait. This waiting is driving me nuts and I welcome any kind of distracting. I am so glad that I am here with Michael's parents, it is really helping the time to go bye. Plus the closer it gets to Michael coming home the more I realize also how much time there is left before I start my clinical and I am done with my school. Soon I will be a medical assistant. I am so surprised with myself as I never really found myself actually going to school for a career. I figured I would just graduate from high school and start working somewhere. But now I am actually thinking about some day going all the way to be coming a full fledged RN. Won't that be something. Especially since neither of my parents finished college or some kind of secondary schooling. Or my brother or sister (At least so far). I still thing some day I will travel to another country to help. Well I gotta go things get busy and I will try and write when ever I can. Bye for now!

April 18, 2008

As every one is well aware of by now is that there was an earth quake that struck parts of the mid eastern part of the USA. I live in KY and thus was not as hard. But It accrued at around 5:30am. I was of course asleep and it took me a second to realize what was going on. To be honest it didn't get worse so when it stopped I laid there for a second and then went back to sleep. I mean there was nothing else to do plus I had to get up in a little bit to get Gabriel ready for school. But any way Sorry it's been a little bit since I last wrote anything but a lot is involved when you have to relocate. I should know, I mean I did start my life out in this manner. But it's made me into who I am today and I wouldn't change it. I love Michael my kids and I actually have some great in-laws. Well we are still working on the one mother-in-law. But maybe Lord willing it can all come about. I just pray she will start treating her husband nicer. But he's a big boy and capable of making his own decisions. Well it's late I need to get some sleep. I'll try and write more later on. BYE!

Allergies

Today I took Lydia to the Dr because I was worried she was starting to get a sinus infection. This is usually the time we have to deal with allergies. Poor thing woke up and sounded like she swallowed a whole bunch of frogs. I got her a appointment at 11am with Dr Dubois. He so nicely informed me that she has the beginning part of a sinus infection, strep throat, and bronchitis. Wonderful right?! He prescribed her an antibiotic. Then which he should have done last summer put her on a breathing machine. She is to have breathing treatments for her cough and whenever she she wheezes or seems to have a hard time breathing. Every though something was wrong last summer and I did too, But I understand why he wanted to wait to see if she would out grow it. You know give her another year. But no, she has too much of a family history with bronchitis and allergies that I had a feeling we would have problems. It's just hard to know when she is sick because she never runs a fever or coughs until she is really bad. Where as Gabriel doesn't really eat or play or anything. He acts pitiful. Lulu keeps playing and eating and by the time I get any indication that something might be wrong she's usually really bad. She I had a feeling she was worse than she appeared. Well I write later and write down how she did with her first treatment and everything.

May 6, 2008

Well I have been very busy this week. It's been nice to come down and I wish that the kids and I were just staying and didn't have to go back to Indiana. But I still have things to pack and thankfully only have three weeks to get it all done in. Then we will be on our way to KY and shortly after Thank the Lord Michael will be home. I'm so excited and pray time goes by very quickly now. I also pray that the Lord let's it be hopefully never but along time before he is deployed again. But we are also currently in the process of looking for our won home. It's so nice that we are able to do a VA loan. There is a house that I have found that I really like but have to wait and see. Well just wanted to write a quick something. Write more when I can, bye for now!

March 31, 2008

It's been a few days since I have last heard from Michael. I last talked with him on wed. He told me he would call me back the next day and it is now Sunday night and still nothing. Usually if he says he'll talk to me the next day and goes one day without then I'll chalk it up to the Internet not working or something like that. I mean it's not like we haven't gone a long time without talking but he will at least tell me if he has a mission coming up or something but I honestly have no idea what is going on and it is really bothering me. I mean I always know at least kinda what's going on and now nothing. I'm hoping he's at that school they talked about sending him to and he just was unable to talk with me before he left and there is no Internet there. But he said he was getting a phone card. I don't know I need to chill and try and relax. I mean as long as I don't hear anything then it's ok. It's just you always wondering if I might get the call. The one all wives of soldiers dread. It's second to a car coming to the house. I pray every day and night fro him and will even when he gets home. I hope I hear from him soon. Please Lord watch over and protect him.

March 27, 2008

Well it's been a little bit since I last wrote and let me say alot has been happening. First of all spring break for myself has been this week. Next week is Gabriel's spring break and we are going down to KY. Apparently we are moving now back down there. Which I have no problem with. I'm actually kinda excited. Except that I have to tell Molly and Jason. Which I really don't want too. But of course I have too. But to be honest we will more than likely see them as much as I do now. But anyway I have alot to do and not a whole lot of time. This week coming up I have to look for a clinical site. Get Gabriel enrolled at Northern Elm. Help Chris work around the house in preparation of Michael coming home and his party. Which we are having June 7. I'm getting very excited. I also though have to do my homework while I am down there, which stinks. But I don't have much of school left anyway and it's getting close to time for me to start my clinical. I am hoping I can find a DR. office I can do it at in either, Dry Ridge, Williamstown, or even Crittendon. But if all else fails I can drive to Lexington and do them there because my school has already set up a site there. Well I need to go I have alot to do. I'll try to continue and write when I can. Bye for now.

The kids and the Rats

Here's Gabriel and Miss Remy. I was very surprised the first time Gabriel let her climb on him. But I think I did a good job in picking out the perfect pet for Him. He really like the rats and thankfully Remy is very friendly and patient with the kids. Now Princess is more like Miss Kitty. My sister's pet cat. Her name (Princess) suites her very well.

This is Miss Remy that Lydia is playing with. She's being very gentle here. She's not always gentle, this is because she tends to get very excited about our new family pets. Plus she's two! Remy is good with her though. Princess is too skittish for the kids. I tend to spend more one on one time with her so that she will continue to get used to being held. Eventually I'm hoping she'll feel better with the kids.

Readability

A friend of mine Chad Doerr Found a website that checks your blog readability. HE scored at and elementary level, as did I. I did some digging and found out why that was. Apparently it means that our blogs are safe for children to read because we do not exploit anything sexual or inappropriate for young readers. Which I found to be very refreshing. I mean how many people out that can say that in there daily life (which I believe is what our blogs reflect) we have morally health persona's. We don't need to live our lives with inappropriate thoughts or actions. Very wholesome and clean. I really like that.

Miss Rimey and Princess Pictures

The girls love to crawl on me and the kids and they love to sit on your shoulders. They are around 2 months old right now.

This is the girls home. They seem to really like it and the kids love that they can see them so easily. They love the different levels.

This is Miss Remy. She is solid blue/gray and has black eyes. She is very friendly and likes to explore alot. She is more active than Princess.

This is Princess as you can see, she is gray/blue and white with black eyes. She has a hood as they call it. Becuase he color goes all the way down her back. She is not as out going as Miss Remy is.

This is Princess and Miss Remy. Remy is on the right and Princess on the left. They love to sit on your soulders. Miss Remy likes to hide in my hair so I usually put it up.

Miss Rimey and Princess

Well we now have two pets. After all this time I kept saying I didn't want any pets until we had a home because I was afraid it would just add to my stress. How wrong I was. I can't believe I forgot how relaxing it is to actually have pets. I love animals and I have really missed them. I have alwyas wanted to share my love of animals with my children. I loved thinking about how they would help to take care of them and to see the joy light up on their little faces as the get to take care of them and love them. Lydia most deffiently has my love of all animals. Scooter on the other hand is not loving with all animals on account some scare him. But he is doing better. That's all I can ask. Anyway, our new pets are rats! Yes you heard me right and they are so cute and loving. Gabriel named one Remy after the movie Ratatouille. But I had to tell him that Remy is a girl. So he said Miss Remy. I said that fine but we call her mainly Remy. Now the other one Lulu named and she is called princess, of course! Below is a list of their body type and so on:

Princess
Color: Hood is dark chocolate and hind is white
Body Type: Standard
Markings: Hooded
Coat: Smooth

Remy
Color: Solid Chocolate
Body Type: Standard
Markings: None
Caot: Smooth

I have always had pet hampsters but never rats. I still love hampsters but I think if I had to choose from now on I would get only rats. Thankfully they live a little longer than hampsters and they are really affectionet and smart. I hope Michael likes them when he comes home. I think he will. Well gotta go write more later, bye.

March 15, 2008

Well everything went ok. As far as mom told me and I remember. Wed. was when I had to get ready for the procedure. Thankfully it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I figured I would have pain and discomfort. But I just had to potty. Anyway the only thing I remember that was alarming about it all was when they where giving me the the stuff to make me sleep my heart rate jumped up really high like almost 160. But it went back down so they gave me the rest and went on. Then mom said I woke up and was saying about of stuff. Like I was worrying about whether or not Michael's mom would like the gift the kids and I sent her and stuff like that. But Everything went ok and apparently I have IBS. Which I kinda figured I had. I'll know more when I go back in April. Well I need to go now oh yeah on more thing. The kids and I got a pet for the family. A pet rat. Gabriel named her Remy but it's Miss Remy since she's a girl. Well gotta go write more later bye.

The Truth, Finally part 2

Oh I feel awful. I reread what I wrote and I sound like such a baby and so selfish. I mean Michael has sacrificed alot. He left Lydia when she was only four months old. Came back when she was eight and a half months old. Then he left when she was 18 months old and is still gone. I mean he's lost alot of time with her and Gabriel too. It was wrong of me to say so many bad things about him and how he feels. It wasn't fair of me to say those things. Just because I was upset didn't give me the right and I want to say that I am sorry. He has been very good to us. The Army has been good to us. KY is full of some unpleasant memories. I think Michael is Army, even if he is hesitant to say so. I think he is more than he may realize. Which is not a bad thing. I've just been dwelling on all the negative things and I was wrong. There are good things and I just need to see those. Lord help me to see those. I pray every day asking what to do. Every answer is to trust Michael, is the one thing I have yet to fully give into. I want to but if I tell him something like this is up to him he just says no it's up to us both. Then around and around we go. I don't know what to do. I love him I always have and will always do. Just now what do I do?

Maybe he's right and we need to decide to together. But I don't want to! Why do I have to. I'm tired and I'm afraid I may end up keeping him from doing something that he needs to do. What if he regrets it like my father regrets getting out. Michael can become great. What if my feelings blind me? My fear blinds me? Or my stubborn pride brings me to make the wrong decision because I'm scared? Then what do we do? I'm afraid I will be the down fall. I'm afraid what I choose and say will be wrong and I know if I say, get out he will, or stay he will. I just don't want to do that.

Lord please help us. We are so young and are so new to the world still and our family. We want to do what is right in your eyes. We need your strength and courage to see the answers whatever they maybe. Thank you heavenly father for all that you do. Be with us and guide us in all things. Amen!

Look I'll write more later and let you know how things go. Until then later!

The Truth, Finally

I can't do it anymore. I need to write it down somewhere and why not here? I need to let out my true feelings about everything. The things I wish to tell Michael but am afraid to tell him. I'm afraid because I think he will actually be upset and get mad but wouldn't tell me. So instead I will say it here since he doesn't read my blog I'm safe to put it here. I don't want him to re-enlist. To retire from the military. I'm very proud of what he has done and I think he should be proud of it too. But I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to worry when the next time it will be for him to leave us. If the next time, will he get hurt. If he'll even come home at all. I want to have a nice calm family. You know work come home spend time with the kids and me. Help me out with being a parent. If I wanted to be an only parent I wouldn't of gotten married and let it just have been me and Gabriel. But I didn't want that. I wanted a family in ever means of the word. A mom and dad and kids. What the Lord intended families to be.

I only want to work part time. So I feel like I am contributing to something. To help people like the Lord wants me too. If not for that feeling then I would be happy to be a stay at home mom. I want to be there for my kids and my husband. But I'm so stressed and upset and maybe even a little depressed. Not severely just a little. I want a home one Michael and I can fix up together make it our own. Have friends and invite them over for different occasions. I want another child maybe even two more. But I can't take care of four children alone. I mean I would if I had to but the stress would be so high because we have no family here. I always thought I liked the idea of having to drive and be far enough away that we would have to stay with family when we would go to visit. Bu now I'm not so sure. I'm sure if Michael was home I wouldn't feel that way. I do want t four bedroom home so that way we have a room for family to stay in when they come to visit. If they come to visit.

I mean I had always thought that maybe Michael could be a police officer. I think he would be very good at it. I mean it's the closet thing to being in the military. He gets to wear a uniform and drive a car. He gets to car a gun and make a real difference wherever we are living for our community. But I don't know. I just won't be the one to tell him that I want him to get out. I want him to get out because he decided that he doesn't want to keep being away from his family. But he doesn't, I mean it can't be that bad for him since he doesn't worry about being gone from us for long periods of time. It just has always made me wonder. I mean I had though about joining. But I didn't one because Michael wouldn't like it for whatever reason. But mainly because I didn't want to be away from the kids and Michael. I love them too much and time is precious. You can't get things back once it's gone it's gone.

I would never, I swear even think about it, on my life and anything else, but I at least understand why people who are left behind fall and find someone else. I mean even God said man can not live alone. Even the Lord said loneliness is not a good thing. He doesn't want us to be alone. So at least he understand how hard this is for me. I would never look for someone else I love Michael too much, but I do need a friend. I'm so lonely and desperate for a friend. I'm kind scared that my defences are down and someone may take advantage of me. I mean I hate that I am so closed of to even people at church but I need to be cautious. I know myself and how other people are. It's easy to take advantage of someone in my situation. That's why I don't tell alot of people I'm left alone. I feel vulnerable and kinda abandoned.

Michael says it's hard on him too. But he doesn't talk about it. I kinda understand why he wouldn't talk, share or show me that it's hard on him too. But I bet you anything he won't when he comes home. I mean he's not even hesitant about think of anything else to do. It's just jobs in the military. I mean I know this is wrong but he seems cold. Like he doesn't really feel what I do and just sometimes says things to me to make me think he kinda does but I don't think he really does. I like every aspect of the military. I mean he even made a comment one time that it's good to be away. Then he has the nerve to even act like he doesn't want me to go away even for a weekend. So of course I end up telling him I don't want to go away alone but just need to be alone with him.

No I want to see what it's like alone since it doesn't bother him I want to see if that's true. Whether I'll mind being away or not. That's kinda one reason I want to go somewhere over seas. So he can understand what it's like for me while he's gone. Because I don't think he appreciates anything. It's he sees how hard it is for him and that there is no way it's as hard here. I want him to see it from my point of view. I mean he had to go away to boot camp before he was loving and somewhat understanding of me. Maybe this is what I have to do again. I just hate that it comes down to this again. I sacrifice and sacrifice over and over for him but he has no idea. Plus he doesn't know because I don't tell him. Well it means nothing when you have to tell someone everything. I was hoping he would eventually know me. But I guess he never will. I mean what has he sacrificed? Really, I can't think of anything. I kinda want to run away. I mean honestly I have had these feelings. But if it all comes out I'm the bad guy. Just like always. I mean I'm finally doing something for me. My school stuff but it's managed to turn into something I have to do also.

I mean like he said if I want a home and stuff I have to work. So there it goes. No longer about doing it for my purpose of serving the Lord by helping, it becomes about money and help us buy a home and other things we need. All this because my husband took so long figuring out what he wants to do for a career. You won't always have someone to help you and you need to learn and take care of yourself. People let you down and that is what Michael is doing wither he knows it or not. He lets us down almost every day by simply not being here. Some people would say that is not far to him. But he knew everything before he joined. When he first joined I thought I wanted him to be away because of the way he treated me. At first it was nice, he wasn't there to be mean to me and make me feel bad about myself and everything. But my anger I felt toward him wants strong enough to cover how much I loved him and that no matter how he treated me I wanted him. I just wanted him to treat me better. I didn't take it in the long run. When he came home and treated me better, I felt indebted to the military for they had helped him. But then he have been apart so long that I have to wonder if the little bit of time together he was only nice because he knew he would be leaving. So then why would I want him to leave the military if it meant this Michael I have come to love more leaves also. So I encourage him to stay even though my heart is screaming no, stay with me don't leave me too. Like so many others have.

Oh my gosh that's it. Every time he leaves I feel the abandoned all over again. Because even in this way he is abandoning me and not only me but the children. We are left to take care of ourselves without him, and now mainly without family as well. I mean we are his family he is supposed to take care of us. But he's not. At least not full time. We are only part of his life now. He need only care for us part time and then he leaves and we are left to find for ourselves. He if supposed to hold our family together. I've been doing it for five years. I so want to pass the reins over to him. But I can't because I will always have to have hold since we never know when he will leave again. Plus I wonder if he could handle it. I mean I know we don't live in the dark ages anymore. But even know at least among Christian family's there comes a time when the husband or father who is supposed to be head of the household makes a decision for the family and no one argue about it. He makes the decision because he feels God's will in it and the family doesn't argue because they trust love and respect him enough that they believe he is doing what is best for the family.

I want this, I want Michael to step up. But he hasn't, he can't and I don't think he wants too. I think maybe he likes the idea that he is the head of the family but is more comfortably letting me do it because maybe he doesn't want the responsibility that the Lord intended him to have. But has become comfortably with the arrangements that we have outspokenly made since we got married. Publicly people think he wears the pants but deep down he knows I do. Which is why he has a times complained that we always do what I want to do. But this is against my will. I never wanted this. But I have always been thrust into a position of leadership. Whether I know it or not. It is now part of my core being. Even if by some miracle ( Like God showing Michael is real true first job) I would be hesitant to give up the reins to him from just having them for so many years. I Love Michael I don't want any one thinking anything bad about my husband from this. This is just how I feel and think. He may be totally oblivious to this all and thus it is not his fault. He is a good man and father and does the best he can. I will never stop loving him no matter what happens. But I wonder if he knows to the extent of what causes my stress? I need to go I'm getting upset and I have more to say but I need to stop and take a break. It's just so weird how it all comes pouring out of me like this. But I have held it all inside to long. It was beginning to eat away at me. Hopefully now it won't be so fast.

March 6, 2008

Well I went to see Dr. Hanley my gastro specialist. He has informed me that our next step in finding out what is wrong with me is to have a colonoscopy. Yeah me! The idea I think is what is more disturbing to me than probably the whole thing. I don't know, ok I think the whole thing is stressing me out. Anyway I'm scheduled for the procedure on Thursday the 17th. 7 am, so at least the whole not eating I can get out of the way. I already can't eat at all the day before the procedure just clear liquids. Which they where kind enough to give me a list so I'll know what clear liquids I can have.

Next topic for now. Michael and I were able to talk today. Which is usually always lovely. Except if he's trying to quite dipping. I can't wait until he finally does because someone should only have to experience someone going through withdraws once. I have experienced Michael going through it definitely more than once. Each time is the same and I'm afraid to talk to him. I really hope he finally has enough will power to quiet this time. It would be a very good testament to the kids because he can show that no matter how hard something is with Prayer and perseverance you can over come anything.

I found out that last week two friends of Michael and mine where in an accident. Shawn Hayslette and Jason Caldwell. Both graduated from high school my freshmen year and Michael's junior year. They are both 26 years old. Shawn sustained severe head trauma, a broken collar bone, a broken left arm, ripped tendons in his left hand, and part of his right ear was cut off. Surgery was done to sew the ear portion back on. Two holes were drilled in his head where tubes were placed. Shawn is still unconscious, but has been responding to verbal communication to give the thumbs up sign. They said they may take out the head tubes this week. So hopefully when I'm able to get in touch with someone they will have already done this. Jason sustained a broken ankle, some skin abrasions and a slight concussion. Jason had a pin placed in his ankle this past Monday. He has already been discharged. Jason said he thought they hit some black ice which caused him to lose control of the car and slide over into the southbound lane hitting a bread truck head-on. I'm hoping they will both be back on their feet soon. I'm hoping I can get them to come to Michael's party when he gets back home.

Anyway the kids and I went to the library after dinner tonight. We went over into the children's part since Gabriel is starting to want to try and read. So we got him some of the beginner one books. He actually read one whole book with very little help from me. He did very good and thankfully didn't get mad. Lydia played with some of the other children there. We do need to work on her sharing but she's not around enough little kids her age. She's used to big kids and she kinda has watch them be rough and now she is starting to get that way too. I'm hoping as she gets bigger I can talk to her and she won't run off so bad. She's very bad about walking off. Anyway we then went to Hobby Lobby and I got some tote bags for the kids to decorate and we are going to use them as our library book bags. That way they will be able to pick out their own and put them in their own bags. Make them feel big and maybe get into it. I'm hoping they develop my love for books too. I mean they love anything their daddy does and I really want them to be able to enjoy something that I do. Ok, Lydia also shares my love for animals (all animals). I'm sure there's more at least I hope so. But books are my main thing. Well it's late I need to go now. Write more later!

March 4, 2008

Yes, it is finally March. This time is going by fast and I hope it does continue to do so until Michael is back home with us. There is a rumor going around that he may be home sooner than was originally thought. I would love this to be true but for my own protection I still tell myself it will not be until the end of June. I always like to expect the worst and celebrate when I'm wrong.

Anyway, Michael is doing fine Weid and him are back together again and they have resumed their normal activities together. Like going to the gym and stuff. I'm so glad he has a friend over there. It makes me feel better that he has someone to talk to and hang out with. Plus I've talked with Weid a few times on the phone. He has a very deep voice compared to Michael. There very close in age and I think Michael said he is taller than him. But no offense to Michael alot of guys are. But it is alittle awkward talking to Weid on the phone. I never know what to say and I feel like I may sound like and idiot. I hope not. Apparently he informed him of the comment I made about how I like his big cheesy smile. I was just telling Michael how it would be nice if he smiled as big as Weid. Michael doesn't always smiley as freely as say I do. But mine is a reaction to shyness and new environment or new people. Stuff like that.

Oh. yeah I also have my Dr. appointment tomorrow. I'll write more tomorrow let you know what the Dr. says. Bye for now!

The Darkness (comment)

I reread my entry of The Darkness. The way I worded things I'm afraid that someone will take it the wrong way. So after alot of effort I'm going to write here what I'm afraid to say. Because saying it and typing it is two different things, right? Anyway, what I, well it's that.

I NEED YOU! I have never openly whole heartily told anyone that I needed them. I have never uttered those words. I have always done things alone. Which is why I'm so hard headed and stubborn in appearance. But to tell the truth it all started out of necessity. Now it's part of who I am and to admit I can't do something or saying I need help is just to horrible to speak. Michael says I'm hardheaded. Maybe I am but that's not why I'm doing, I don't think. It's just I don't know any other way to handle the current situation. I mean I've relied on some people to a degree but never whole heartily. When Michael and I first got married to be honest I wanted to but things happened and I just retreated back that I think I concreted that door closed. I don't know if I could function right if I gave up control.

Sadly I think I may snap. I need to get away as I said before and I've been thinking about my dad's. Not necessarily to spend time with him but to figure out what is going on with me. But I can't to this until I have finished all my school stuff. You know how some kids take off a year before they start college to figure out what they want to do. I think I need this to do a little soul searching. Be alone with God. I know I don't have to go away to be with him but I think I need to so I can avoid distraction and have total alone time. The only thing is I would need o do this more than likely with out Michael and I don't know if he would understand. I don't think he understands what he got himself into when he married me. Because I don't know. I don't think counseling would help alot. I just feel I don't know maybe led to go off alone. I just don't know if I can wait until I am a certified MA or not. But I have too I spent too much money not too. No interruption until later.

I've put myself last alot and I can keep continuing to do this. I've made it this long I can make it longer. But I would like to do this before I have another little one. I think it would help me handle that and make me a better mom and wife. But who knows, just have to wait and see.

Febuary 28, 2008

Nothing new today, Gabriel is feeling better thankfully lulu shows no signs of strep-throat. We had a lazy day at home as usual. I did talk with Molly today and she said it would be alright if the kids and I went to visit with her on Saturday. Jason is not going to school (at least not right now) he does have drill though. So if I go early it will be just me and Molly. I should be good with just her and not feel so awkward, like when Jason is there or any guy really. But I never let it show just like it will never show with any male patients I may have.

Anyone new topic, I get the joy of running to the bank and depositing the rest of our tax return. Then taking out money for groceries. Going to the grocery store and getting home in time to eat put groceries away and get Gabriel to school. Followed by putting Lulu down for her nap doing some studying for my quiz. Get lulu up from nap, Gabriel home from school make dinner clean some, give Lulu bath and kids to bed. Then I take my quiz and post my summary for class. Then I can have maybe a minute read my bible and go to bed. Look it's late and I'm going to shave my legs tonight since they are turning my water off tomorrow.

Sick and Thinking

Well surprise turn around today. I am slightly feeling better, but I had to take Gabriel to the doctor because he was complaining of a sore throat. He has strep throat. I have confine him to his room. Don't worry he's got his own TV and he's been able to have sherbet and I'm making sure he has plenty to drink. This helps because I really don't want Lydia to get it again. She's already had it like 3-4 times this winter. If she gets it anymore they are going to want and take her tonsils out and she's to little for that. Plus I really just want to make it until Michael gets home before (heaven forbid though) anything else happens. I've been running on just about empty for quite awhile now and I really need a break. Especially before Michael and I start trying for another baby.

I've kinda been thinking that when I finish my school and I pass all my tests and become an official certified MA then I might ask Michael if I can go and visit my dad alone for just a weekend at least. That way I can visit with my dad and be alone with out my every day family. I know dad would be there but I wouldn't feel really good without having someone I know near. Not completely alone but dad is just one. To go to the beach to have quiet time. Plus I wouldn't feel to bad leaving Michael and the kids for just a little bit since I won't finish my school stuff until sometime in September, probably late September. The only problem would be convincing Michael to let me go alone. But I can get an attitude and throw this whole mess into ring if necessary. I don't want to do that and I kinda don't want to leave, but I've never been alone. Yeah Michael isn't totally alone right now but he is someone totally foreign to him and he doesn't have any family there. This would be just about the same thing for me. Well just have to wait and see how things go. September/October is still quiet aways away still.

Rest and Thought

I know I should be resting right now but I can't. Too much on my mind. I layed last night in bed for an hour, AN HOUR. I feel exhausted when I lay down but still I can't seem to fall asleep. Like right now I feel tired but I can't lay down and rest. Every night I lay awake my mind just runs and I can't get it to stop. I try and wait until I am tired but that is like 12pm or so. That's too late. What am I going to do when it comes time for me to get up early and start clinical every morning? Maybe then I'll be tired enough to go to sleep early.

Maybe my problem is the weather combined with other things. All I do is stay inside with the kids. I really need to get out and be outside but it's been so cold I can't stand it. I want to walk through the woods and look at all the leaves and just be in nature. But there are no woods here. A patch of trees at the park. But not like back at home. Where I can take Lulu and go for a walk and let her run ahead without fear of cars or someone grabbing her or Gabriel. To see all the animals and the bugs. But here there is no nature, no woods, no animals really. This is a city, animals can't run free, all you see are maybe squirrels and birds. No raccoons, deers, no rabbits, or dogs and cats running free. Shoot even in town in Falmouth we even had a chickens walk by our window.

I never thought I would miss Kentucky like I do. I always felt like it was weighing me down, us down. I never stopped and thought about it but, all those years I never thought I had a home. But now I wonder in my blindness did I really have a home. But that can't be because my family is my home. As long as I'm with them, right? I mean a house is just a material thing, a possession. I'm sorry it seems like I go along time with nothing to say and then all of a sudden it just comes pouring out me. Being alone has really allowed me to think about all those things I never allowed myself to because I was so busy with everyone else. Everyone needed, me. But now I see what I want. How I would like to live my life. A glimpse, of what could be, but no, unfortunately no.

THE DARKNESS

Another day, another feeling alone, lost, abandonded. I feel the darkness clossing around me and don't know what to do. I pray and know the Lord is with me but I have no human companionship. I have a few aquantances but it's on there terms when we meet not mine. Everyone has there own life. They forget about me and the kids. I am alone. Will it alsways be this way? I have two wonderful kids and a husband that I love and loves me. There is something I want to say to him but am afraid to. I have always done out of nessecity, no one, then a habit and now part of my pride. I am afraid to say it. I love the man this has made him and I am afriad when he goes it goes too. I just can't do it. I want to say it. So badly but I am afraid.

He would give up he loves just like I would. But I don't want him to do that, not even for me. I want him happy. This is what makes him happy. Otherwise he wouldn't have become what he is. If he doesn't do this anymore then what? He gets depressed sounding when he talk swith me about other jobs and school. This is what he wants. I can't take it from him. Someone believes this is costing me my health. But I had problem before. Michael, is all that matters. The children are fine and I am tough I can handle this, I can do this and I will do it as long as necessary. I love him, I will do this for him.

But there is a selfish part of me that wants to tell him. I can't do it I never have been able to do it. I mean every year birthday and Christmas mom hated it because she knew when she asked me I would say I dont' know. honestly I didn't. I matured early, every told me so, whatever. But anyway I knew what was going on how my dad left because we held him back. Mom was sad because she didn't get to do what she wanted. Things didn't trun out her way or whatever. Lack of money, medical, dental and sometimes food. Moving constantly, never knowing a home. I still don't know a home, I don't have one.

I can't bring myself to do it. It would brake away everything I am now. My whole structure and life I have had to make. I am even afraid to write it here for fear of what will happen. I allowed Michael closer than I have anyone else in my life. But to admit this would tear me apart. I would break I can't break I need this. I mean how many more times will he leave me. How many more times will I be a single parent. I need this structure. Honestly if I did not have this I don't know if I could do this.

Math

As you all are probably aware I am not a math lover and do not do well in math. But I am very happy to report that I has offically passed my Math class and thank the Lord I did and I'm done with it. I was so worried that I would be faced with repeating this math class but thankfully I will not have to do this. My next class I have started it Anatomy and Physiology. I was at first looking forward to this class but it's just as difficult as the rest have been so far. Everything is in those wonderful medical terms and words that are very difficult to pronounce. So unfortunately by not beoing in a real clas room I am unable to hear how to correctly pronounciate the words and so I am left up to guessing which makes it very challenging to remember them. But I have confidence that things will be easier once I start clinicals and I am able to watch and learn. I'm hands on and visual. I'm sure things will make better since once I get going. I can't wait to start clinicals. Actually I won't be able to relax until I am certifide. After that then I will relax.

Vineyard Community Church

I have to say that going to Vineyard lst night with the kids was exactly what I needed. The music, the atmosphere even the few people I talked with was wonderful. I could just feel the Lord presence and I haven't felt it that powerful in such a long time. I think I have found my problem and I'm hoping that contuing to go there will strengthen my relationship with the Lord and help me to get out of this funk that I seem to be heading toward.

I found out that they have alot of wonderful small groups. Well they call them life groups but it's the same thing. They have one that meets every thursday at the church from 10am to 11:30 am for mothers. They also provide Child Care which is wonder too. I'm going to call later and see about going to this group for at least the time being. When michael comes home they have a group for married and engaged couples that also provideds child care. I'm hoping this will be just what is needed. I'm very excited.

Today I have also finished my Math class along with my Bloodborne and Airborne pathogens class. I know I'm going to get a good garde in the Bloodborne class but I'm worried an=bout my math class. I'm sitting right on the edge of at least passing with a C and I pray to the Lord that I do. On top of everything else I didn't sleep very well. Poor Lulu work up at alittle after 1am. She had thrown up and the poor thing had to of course manilygot her blanky. Thankfully she was able to go back to sleep with out her balnket and Iwas able to sneak it into the wash. She had it in time for nap time. I plan on going and buying some baby monitors. IT bothers me that she does that and I don't know unless she cries. I'm hoping the next time I will hear her and get to her before she becomes too upset. Well I need to go I'll write again later. Bye!

I'm Back

Not that it has been long enough to really justify the title I picked for today's blog entry but I am trying to be more consitant with my entries. Well the visit down to see the family went well. I was actually very disapointed when it came time to leave. For some reason instead of being dying to get back home and to my bed and own stuff I was actually dreading the return trip. I'm not sure why maybe I knew it was going to be about five weeks until my next trip down and when I do go down it will be shorter than this time and will be awhile again until I go down. But I'm not entirely sure. There just something about feeling like I'm I guess maybe home when I go down to KY. Maybe it's becuase it was the longest state I had lived in. I really like living in the country. I mean there's plenty of room to run I can relax and not be scared that the kids are going to run into the road when I stay with my in-laws. And the trees oh the trees and I never thought I would miss the hills. They flow so well and there so rolling and the I don't know. I just miss the trees and the space. But I'm sure there are plenty of trees up here and space. (I hope!) But Michael and I will find out and I plan on being really picky and praying very hard before we buy a house. Well its late I need to sleep, (if I can) write again tomorrow if there's time. Maybe I'll have something intersting to say about Michael maybe some news. Who knows?

Febuary 14, 2008

Well it will be at least four days until my next post. I am currently going now to KY to visit with family. I haven't seen them since the first week of January. I won't see them again until after this visit...until well Easter weekend. Gabriel has this Friday and following Monday off from school. I am hoping to be able to take Gabriel to see the new Dr. Sueus movie that is coming out to theaters tomorrow. It is "Horton hears a who" it looks really cute and Jim Carrey is the voice of Horton. Well Till later!

Carnival Cruise Lines

Michael just recently asked me to look into a cruise for our anniversary this year. Which sound like such a wonderful idea. Aparently with the military and him coming off a deployment he is able to get a very nice discount. But even with the discount it will still cost more than we or I may be willing to spend. It will probably be over a thousand dollars for the whole thing. The driving the gas the food. You have to pay extra for onshore activites and of course drinks and special things like that while you are on the ship. Plus the is a five dollar a day charge per person for fuel exspense. So there where some hidden charges. I just don't think we could afford it. I mean we need a new washer and dryer really bad. Lydia is going to need to move to a twin bed instead of a toddler bed soon. Michael and I could really use a new mattress and he is goin to need a vechilce after he comes home. So I really don't see how we are going to be able to afford a trip. Plus we are thinking about going ahead and pay off the jeep and Michael had a charge card while he is over there so we need to pay it off as well. I hate to be the one to tell him but I don't think we can go on a crusie. This stinks. I mean we really didn't even get a honeymoon after we got married and still have not done anything. This year will be our five year anniversary and Michael also turns 25. I don't know but I think we are going to have to figure something else out or wait until our 10 year. Of well, maybe another time.

Ponder

I sometimes get these, I don't know if you would call them ideas or not but these thoughts. I shared one with Michael today. Here is a pieace of our conversation.

Mandy: Do you believe that who we are is only a matter of what we believe we can be?

Michael: What do you mean?

Mandy: I don't know, I've heard that people who are bad also have the potential for good, right. So then if that is true than the potential of evil is in all of us. But maybe we are who we believe we can be if we believe in a greater good. Then we strive for that. But those who believe in something evil than that is their goal. Like that for power or wealth. In the bible it talks about money being a root for evil. People believe money is power, thus they strive for it.

Michael: Ok I agree. But what brought this up?

Mandy: I'm not sure, it kinda came to me, this is not the first time something like this has came to me. Is that weird?

Michael: No

Mandy: Sometimes I feel it is.

Michael: Why?

Mandy: I don't know who talks like this Or thinks this way?

Michael: Maybe it's from the Lord?

Mandy: WHo am I that the Lord would use me? Why would he and what is the reason for me to say this?

Michael: I don't know but he can use anyone.

Mandy: I just think as I said before that beliving in a greater is us beliving in God. Thus we strive to be like him. I hope you knew that was what I meant for us anyway as Christ followers.

Michael: I know what you meant I usually always do. You didn't have to explain the meaning to me I could read between the lines.

Mandy: Right sorry I feel compelled alot to explain myself.

Michael: I know.
This is part of our conversation. I'm not sure why and what the point is to this all. But it is not the first time I have felt complelled to say something. Sometimes it is out of no where and other times I have these thoughts after I've heard or watched something. I was always the one's my friends in school came to with a problem and even my own father comes to me for advise. I need to pray and see what is going on. I've always wonder and I just thought I just have alot of common sense and that is all this is. I don't know. Anyone out ther have a thought?

Febuary 8, 2008

Michael called today, yeah! It was at 3 in the morning. But it was so good to hear his voice. I didn't realize how much I miss him in such the short time he's left again. I feel myself slipping back into the patern from before. I miss him, I want him home. But am I being selfish? I mean he is doing something that is really important, he's making a difference. What right do I have to tell him that sometimes I don't want to do this? I love the man that the army has made him. I wouldn't change that. But I don't know what I want. What is best for us? It kinda bothers me, but I can't tell him that a part of me wants him to quite. I can't do that, I won't. I need to go write more later. Oh they are coming home to the base/camp here yeah!

The Giants

Last night was an awesome game. I was on the edge of my seat there at the end. I was so happy when the final score was 17-14. Giants win over the patriots! I couldn't help but think threw this whole thing how pround Archie Manning must be of his boys. I mean Payton winning the super bowl lat year and his youngest Elli winning it this year. How many father's get to say that my sons won the super bowl and back to back years! I can't wait to tell Michael that the patriots lost. The Patriots are kinda like the sworn enemies of the Colts and alot of people here in Indinana found themselves momentarliy Giants fan last night. I feel bad that Michael was unable to watch the game last night since he is in that area that has nothing and they have to sleep outside. I hope he is feeling better. Last time I talked with him he was feeling like he was coming down with a cold or something. Thankfully we can talk at the end of the week and longer than 10 min. since he'll have the internet back up and running again. YEAH!

Super Bowl Sunday

Today is a day that people will be going nuts. I mean come on it's super bowl sunday. This means that people will be heading out to family and friends houses to enjoy one of American's favorite past time of stuffing their faces, drinking beer and yelling at there family's TV. I'm not exactly knocking this don't get me wrong. I throughly enjoy watching my Husband's family get all rilled up. For example if the Colts are playing my Mother-in-law becomes a chain smoker and can't sit until the game is over, she gets so worked up.

Anyway this makes me think back to last year's superbowl. I can't believe it has been a year already. This time last year Michael and I where discussing how things were going to go when we got to his family's house. You see we broke the news that he was getting deployed before the start of the game. It went as expected. I feel bad in a way because I prayed and asked God that he would allow the Colts to win the super bowl so that things would lighten up. It may not have been the bes time to tell the family that he was going to war, but it was bes for us to go and get it out of the way since everyone was there and we wouldn't have to drive all over the place. It makes me sad today and I miss Micahel even more today. There is always something to make me think about him. Some days are just harder than others. But I've been dealing rather well. Thank the Lord there is days ahead than more. He'll be home soon, praise GOD!

I have been spending alot of time on youtube here lately. I have found tons of good dedication videos for our troops. Some are very sad and I can not help but cry and think of Michael and his buddies whenever I see them. But it's good that they are out there. Hopefully it will help people think about what things are like in their lives and their families lives. So few care. There is a really good video with my favorite song, "Praise you in this storm," by casting crowns. It's from jkstar09 . I love this song and has such meaning to me about what I am going threw with Michael being gone. It gives me strength to go on. The Lord is my Rock, and my shield, for I will praise him all the days of my life!

January 31, 2008

Well thank the Lord today is the last day of January. I normally don't like time to pass by this fast but when you are separated from a loved one you can't help but wish time to go by faster so that you will once again be reunited together again. I know it has only been a little over a week since he left again but already I have that longing back. I just pray that the Lord will allow us to be together for quite some time before Michael is sent away somewhere again. I would like it if he never is but I remain practical. He is in the Army, things happen. Plus this world will never see peace until the day the Lord comes (His will be done).

Well I was bored last night and I called a realator who is ex Army and now deals mainly with veterans and Va home loans. Michael and I have decided that when the time comes for us to get a home this is the guy we are going to use. He also let me know that when Michael comes home he will be able to help Michael get a AGR slot. Isn't that wonderful! But unfortunatley it will more than likely not be with a Combat Engineer unit and he will have to find another MOS. They talked about maybe getting him into a recruter job but Michael would only do that for a short time. They also mentioned a drill instructor unit. But those guys drill for two years and then have to go over seas for at least 6 months to stay current. We were not really happy about that either. If he has to go over again we would rather he do what he is doing now since nothing (Thank the Lord) has happened. Plus he is comfortable doing what he is doing and that is very important in a place like that.

The children and I are doing very well. I have another appointment with the gastro doctor on the 5th and I'm not sure what there next course of action will be. But I have a feeling they will want me to take a prgnancy test and I'm not willing to do that just yet because I'm afraid it will tell me that I am not and I don't want to deal with that just yet. I'm still praying that the Lord has allowed me to become pregnant. But I do know that, if I am not then there is a reason and I must except this. I just hate that I have never been regular and it takes me sometime. Plus I read that as the years go by and having more children can cause it to become difficult for some women. But I know I can get pregnant it just may mean that I'll have to take that medicine that my gyno told me that will help me ovulate normally. I just really didn't want to take any medicine. (I don't like to take any medicine) But I don't want the age gape between this next one and Lydia to get any larger than her's and Gabriel's is. But again the Lord always has a reason though we may not know why he does and we have to trust him and know that he does only what is best for use even if we don't understand. I have babbled enough for now. I'll write again later.

What do I want?

Michael made a comment while he was home that I have not been able to shake. He made the point of saying that I have formed myself around whatever everyone else wanted or expected of me and that I really don't know who I am. I have thought about this every night. Everyday! You know what, he's right. Who am I? What am I doing? What makes me happy? I have been trying to figure this out and I realize that I am over thinking this and I need to go to the basics and just think about the things that make me happy and go from there.

So, I love to read. Everyone knows that. I could probably live in a library if someone would let me. I would love to have a library of my own, in my own home. I love Michael! (Duh) I love me children and I honestly want more. I love kids I love being around them. Whenever we go to visit family I automatically gravitate toward wherever the children are. At Christmas I watched the twins along with my own to allow Randy to go home and wrap presents. I used to watch children in my home in falmouth. I was dying to get my cousin Leslie's kids and Antonio. I love anything to do with medicine. I love watching all those TV medical shows. I have such a longing to go overseas to another country and help in whatever way I can. This is why I am going to be a medical assistant and later on become a nurse, so that I can do this. I guess if you want to say if I have a dream, this is my dream. I would actually entertain the thought of living in another country at least for a year. With my family, of course. I just have always wanted to know how other countries are. I mean the lord allowed for other cultures and I want to see them. I want to help.

I want a home yes and I would love to fill it with things of course. But those things are not important. I guess what I want most in the world is a Big Family. But in order to have this Michael and I need to be on the same page. I would need him to understand exactly what I am thinking and to feel the same way. Most people would say that two children are plenty. But I have a dream that I have never shared with anyone and I found that later on especially in High School whenever I began to day dream of this I stopped. But Michael and I have been through so much and I have opened up to him and we are to spend the rest of our lives together that I have finally felt safe enough to dream and picture a life with him.

I want four children. I can settle for three but I want four. I can't explain why but all I can say is that I feel it is right. I try to always pray about anything and everything. I would love to own a home someday. But it is not the most important thing. All that matters is God and family. I don't want to hold off our family for a home. Some people would feel that a home and me working needs to be establish before more children can come. But I want them while I am still very young. While Michael is young too. (I also have a female problem that makes getting pregnant take a little bit) We have a friend who is 28 and his only son just turned 1. I mean I'm 23 and have two. Michael and I will be very nice and young and can fully appreciate our kids and retire very young to enjoy our time.

I guess I just want to have the family I didn't have growing up. I want to have my kids and be involved in them as much as I can. I want to talk with them about everything and anything. I want them to know that they can talk to me about anything and not be afraid to talk to their father either. I know things won't be perfect but I just want to be the mother that Christ would have me be and the wife he would have me be also. I want Michael and I to start our own family and I feel that moving here to Indiana was the best chose for our family. Sometimes I find myself want to move back to KY. Not back were we where, but in the northern part. I mean I like the area and it is nice but it's kinda like Florence, in a away.

I mean we needed to move here while Michael was deployed. (It has really helped me become more independent and self reliant.) But before we moved I was actually feeling like I was coming out of my shell when I joined the FRG. I love the FRG in FT Thomas. I feel horrible because I want to participate more than I am now, but I can't. I love the women and the guys and the area. I keep telling myself that Attebury will be the same. There will be other wives and we can move closer to it and I can participate more. But now Michael has changed his mind again and he wants to get a civilian job and go to school. Part of me feels that if he wanted to go to school I would have much rather he have gone first. A really big part of me wants to be a stay at home mom and a volunteer. I want to volunteer at the crisis pregnancy center here in Indianapolis and a volunteer with the FRG. Do things I can include the kids in and help them grow an appreciation for the military. But if I work I don't think I can do this. I mean with Michael gone I've realized how much being with the kids and helping them means. But I'm going to school and I think Michael is ok with me working part time.

I've always whined about how I wanted to work and get out of the house. But those few weekends when I went to the unit with Michael before he left I felt something I hadn't felt before. I felt like I was making a difference. I was doing something very important and the people liked me. They started to know who I was not by Michael's wife but by my name. I mean they were even accepting of when I brought the kids and I even tied Lydia to my back one day and still got alot of work done. I was just so.. so... happy, I felt fulfilled. I loved it. Every time I go to a meeting they need help with something and it's all I can do from raising my hands and saying I'll do it. Like after LEAH was in the accident and they needed someone to take over her job. I so wanted to sat yes, but I knew there was no way.

Maybe I'll feel different once I start my clinical and I get to working. I mean so far I am making good grades. Maybe when I get to the hands on part my feelings will change. I just want to move forward with our lives so bad that I feel like pulling my hair out. I just want Michael to make a decision and stick to it and be all that he can be. He is so smart and he can do anything that he wants. I mean he could have done an INTEL job the Army. He is that smart. I mean every women would love to be able to say hey my husband is in such and such in INTEL. I mean I just swelled up when he heard how high he scored and the recruiters reaction to his scores as well. I mean I love that he's an engineer and that he has pride in what he does but, he can do so much more, but I think he's afraid that people will expect to much from him. I mean to be honest he's never had to deal with that, because his family has never required anything major from him. I think this might have played a role in how our marriage was in the beginning. I kinda feel that I maybe the only person who has really ever expected anything from him major and wanted him to make major decisions. I don't know. That's just how I feel. I just feel like he beats himself up and he's afraid. Of what I'm not totally sure of. But he has such potential. I just hope that this time apart has really benefited him and helped him finally decide what he wants to do. I mean our relationship is awesome and I couldn't ask for more and not feel selfish. I love him so much.

I guess I have rambled on enough. I just kinda feel like I may be getting there and figuring things out. I feel like I can finally be honest and if an argument occurs then I hope not and we can discuss things and come to a mutual decision about everything. I'm going to go now. I actually feel alot better though. I hope if Michael reads this he understands. I love you Honey, I hope I didn't say too much to upset you. Talk later? Love Ya!

Math

I hate math! I have never done well in math and apparently, I still do not do well in math. I have already failed my first assignment and if something is not done I will end up failing this class. I will so cry if I fail this class. I don't want to get behind and have to repeat any of these classes. I have actually been doing really well and I have been so happy because these are the best grades I have gotten since middle school. I really want to do well and have Michael be proud of me. How can that happen if I end up failing a class. I'm so starting to get stressed out already. The peace sure didn't last long.

Classes

So far from what I can tell this week will be somewhat an easy one since I have two classes to worry about instead of the normal one. But by it seeming easy this week makes me worry about what the other weeks will be like. I have always had an apprehension about how I will do when each class starts. I always feel like I will do poorly. But so far I have been proved wrong. Which is very nice. But I do still like even through my grades are high I feel like I have not learned or absorbed enough information to do my future job correctly. I just hope that when I go to do my clinical I will then learn what I need to do. I am a visual person so doing this online has been a challenge for me to remember what it is I need to. But I am hopeful that clinical will change my mind and out look on things.

Michael called me today after church and told me that he is doing well. He is still tired and still adjusting again to the time change and every thing. But he has fallen back into his routine and him and Weid are hanging out and going to the gym again. He has informed me that Sgt. Walker is doing alright besides having metal hanging out of his finger. But he said he should have it removed within a week or so and then will go through three weeks of physical therapy. But other than that he is doing well. The children are doing well too and we are back into our normal routine as well. It's funny how easy it was to go back to the way things were before Michael came home on leave. I am feeling alright and feel recharged from Michael's visit home as well. But I will start to feel the effects before he is home again. But that is later and not to worry about now. I pray for his safe return and still miss him terrible. I love him so nothing will ever change that. Well I have to go, I'm trying to plan a box for Michael and his friends. I'll write more later, bye.

January 26, 2008

Well I was able to check out my overall grade for medical terminology and I have received a B for this class. Isn't this wonderful! So far I have made a A and two B's for my classes. I am however a little nervous because I actually have two classes to worry about this month. But I do not have to worry about going down to KY this month so this shouldn't be too much of a problem. I have a math class and one on blood borne pathogens. I'm very interested in the blood borne pathogens but not the math class. I have never been good in math and this is worse because I have to do good because I have to use this in my career field Evey day. I hope that I can pass with a good grade. I am actually going to get off now and preview the chapters for this coming up week. I'll write more later, bye!

January 25, 2008

Well I heard from Michael early this morning and he informed me that he should be leaving around 5pm his time to head back over to his home base. I have yet to hear from him but I'm sure they didn't give him any time to call. He probably was only able to unpack and get reacquainted with the guys. He'll probably call me either tomorrow or Sunday. No big deal. At least I know he is over there and safe right now. I had the pleasure of taking the kids with me to go and get our taxes started today. I only know how much federal we will be getting back. I don't know what we are getting back from KY and IN. He said this is because he has to fill out the KY and then figure out the IN. Don't matter. It is all getting deposited into our savings. We won't be doing anything with it until Michael gets home anyway. Right now I am just working on my school and taking car of the kids. I'll be able to pay off our medical bills and we will only owe money on our Jeep and my school. But my checks will be going to pay off my school; once I start working. Well gt to go write more later, bye.

Gone Again

Well the children and I got up early and took Michael to the airport. He's flight was at 8:30am. To my pleasant surprise they allowed the children and I to accompany Michael all the way to the gate. It was a much better parting this time and I feel that being able to continue on with him to the gate allowed some of my anxiety to momentarily live. I will say that taking the children through security was an interesting experience. Not only did I have to check and empty my pockets The children and I had to remove our coats and shoes! Which even after this Gabriel still managed to cause the alarm to go off. Come to find out he was wearing a belt of all things. So after removing his belt and continuing on through, we had to put all of our shoes and coats back on. Which was fun with Lydia. But we made it to the gate on time and was able to sit with Michael for a few minutes before he had to board. The children handle it well and other than Gabriel asking how long he would be gone this time things went pretty well.

I called his mom on the way home to let her know I had dropped him off and he was on his way. It was only a little after 9am when we got home and I threw myself into cleaning. Like I always do. I couldn't stand the idea of his stuff being left out (clothes and stuff) So I began picking up. To no avail I broke down and cried alittle. But it was not as bad as last time since I know what to expect. I just pray to God he gets to come home in May and not June. But I can handle it if it has to be June. I love him so much and can't wait until we can be a family again (hopefully for awhile this time).

Michael and I have decided to have one more baby and I am very excited about this. We want to start trying as soon as he comes home since I will be pretty much done with my school and will be able to start working. I want to work full time up until the baby comes. So if it takes awhile then it will just allow us to have more money saved. Well I'm going to go, write later.

Last Day of Leave

Well today is Michael's last day of leave before he catches his flight tomorrow at 8:30am to return back to Iraq. He's alittle different today and I can tell that he is fighting to not think about what is going to take place tomorrow. I am too. But it is hard when you know they are leaving and will be away from you for four to five more months. But at least when he comes home the next time he will be home hopefully for awhile. I'm hoping we have a whole year together before anything else happens. But you never know, it is the Army and they change their minds a lot.

Michael's mom and Mike left yesterday to head back down to KY. It was a better parting this time I think the knowledge of what to expect this time has help and know it is almost over as well. We went out to the Indy race track museum and took the bus tour around the track. It was OK and was time out of the house. Afterward we ate out at Cracker Barrel, and then went to drool at the Harley store that is at Southport road. Actually Michael and Mike drooled the kids and I just walked around. I was smart and put Lulu in the stroller there was no way I was going to let her be down in that store. I couldn't believe how expensive those bikes are.

Anyway we came home and Molly and Jason and Jason Jr. came and went out to eat with us for dinner. We went to Chilli's which I would have loved but my stomach hates me and I'm still waiting on my test results. They said maybe today I would know how the x-ray is but it may take awhile still for the blood work to come back. I hate that I will not know what is wrong until after Michael has left again. I'm hoping nothing serious is wrong because they would have allowed Michael to stay longer if there was something that they may want to do. But with my luck I have a feeling nothing is going to show and there will have to be more tests done. Well I'm going to get off here now and figure out what I'm going to do for lunch. Plus be a leach to Michael for the rest of the day. Write later, bye!

January 17, 2008

Well, Michael only has about five days left and then he leaves again for about 4-5 months. But thankfully after this he is home for awhile. This is a very comforting thought. It is probably easier this time since I know what to expect and it seems easier for him as well. But it's the saying good bye that is difficult. But that is something that only gets easier because you know what to expect. But you will still miss them the same amount. It is wonderful having him home and I am trying really hard not to think about him leaving. The kids are doing well and my stress level is down alot more.

Anyway I have already gone and had my blood work done on Monday. they said some will take about 10 days to get the results back on but there was one or two that would take longer. Tomorrow I am scheduled for my x-ray thing in the morning. hopefully though I will know something from that before Michael has to leave. It would be nice to know what is going on soon. I have enjoyed not being sick and pray that it will stay this way for awhile. Well I am going to go now and spend some time with my Michael. talk later, bye!

January 9, 2008

So far so good. Things have been wonderful and I can feel my stress level lowering. Michael is home right now and things could not be better. We have been able to enjoy time with us and the kids right now and we will be going down to KY tomorrow so that Michael can visit with his family. Everyone is so excited to see him and I don't blame them. I am trying really hard to focus on the now and not the part that this is only a visit and that soon he will have to return back over seas. I am just thanking the Lord that this is a 15 day visit instead of like last time when it was only four days. I am very happy, and this is what we where both needing very badly.

Oh and I have my appointment with the specialist tomorrow instead of the 18th. I am hoping that this way if they are planning on doing anything that they can do it while Michael is here and I can have him to help take care of me if that is need be. Plus I know he will feel better if he knows what is wrong with me before he has to go back. I know I will because I am so tired of being sick. Like right now I am feeling alittle hungry but I should be starving since I have not eaten all day. But I don't and here lately thing make me sick if I eat them but I try to eat because I know I need to. I am down to like 105-106lbs. Which isn't bad I guess you know I am only 5' 2" and this is OK weight for me. I was 103 in high school so this isn't to bad.

Germany

You will all be excited to know that Michael has called me to inform me that he is currently in Germany and will be arriving at the Indianapolis airport tomorrow afternoon. I have had such anxiety to today that I was unsure what to do. I have felt awful and have been unable to really eat anything or drink. I am making myself drink something but have almost given up on the idea of food. I want to eat but my body will not let me. It probably doesn't help that I have been sick here lately too. I feel like death warmed over. Molly even admitted that I looked like I have lost weight and even looked a little pasty. I'm sure all women out there would agree that looking like you have lost weight is not a bad thing but pasty is not good. Hopefully I will look and feel alot better before I pick my Michael up tomorrow. Oh I have felt awful, and I can not even begin to explain how I have felt and longed to be with Michael again. But thankfully I do not have to wait any longer than tomorrow for he will be here, YEAH!!!!!

Thank you Jesus for bringing my husband back home to me, even just for a visit. Thank you for keeping him safe and continue to watch over him. AMEN!