At an impass?

I'm not sure if that is the appropriate title or not. But Michael and I are at a very crucially junction in our family's life apparently. Michael from the get go has been saying that he wants to go active. But after some quiet reflection on his part he is unsure if this is the best course for our family. We both want another baby but are unsure as well as how soon we should pursue this. It's not a matter of if, but when. I guess the Lord shows us what we need to know at a time and does not reville everything like we would like him too. So please anyone who reads this, please pray that the Lord will revile his next step for our family. What we should do. Thank you!

Almost gone, Thank you Lord!

Well we have only three days left of November and I am so happy. Thankfully time is flying by and Michael will be home soon for leave. I can't wait. I have missed him so much. It will be 7 months when he gets home on leave since he has been gone. He will still have four to five months left to complete when he goes back. at least the most will be behind us when he does have to go back. I have missed him so much and at times it gets to feel unbearable but I feel like I have been handling things every well considering all the things that I have gone through and have to deal with. Plus I'm alone up here and our only friends are very busy and I do not see them alot. But I feel like the Lord has provided this opportunity for not only myself but for Michael as well. I know we have defiantly grown closer than I thought possible for a married couple and thank the Lord for this everyday. It's amazing what can come out of something that we think is totally awful but is actually something wonderful. Michael and I are actually trying to plan on a trip to the Bahamas and are wanting to renew our vowels there. We had such a rocky start at first and feel like this is the fresh start we need and only the Lord could have provided us with this opportunity. Thank you God, Thank you for everything!

November 20, 2007

Well I have only one more day left of this class. I'm very excited but also very nervous because I have my final exam for this class tomorrow. I always spaz when I have to take a test or exam. I usually do pretty good. I'll let you know how I do.

Michael called today. He was back home but not sure how long he will stay this time. Last time it was only for one day. Everyone is doing good and thankfully no one was hurt from this mission. It is still unaware of when he gets leave and I will not post when he does until he is back home, overseas. Safety is of the utmost important. He is doing well, missing home of course. It's going to be very hard since he will not be home for Christmas and this is the first time he is going to miss Christmas. I almost wasn't going to put up the tree. But I decided I will for the kids. It wouldn't be right if I didn't for them. Thankfully I will not be spending Christmas here but down in KY with our family. At least that way maybe I won't feel so sad. Well I keep ya posted on how I did on my test and let you know how thanksgiving goes. We are leaving tomorrow to go down to KY to spend thanksgiving with everyone.

DRAMA

Yesterday we had Lydia's birthday party. It was good, alot better than he first. Her first birthday we had drama. But life is full of drama, my life, mine and Michael's. There is no escape from family. You can't change them, you can only love them. I love mine and Micahel's family. But there is so much drama. We are going active. In a way it seems like an escape, but in another way it will cause all new drama.

My mother feels that Michael's mom favors Lydia. Michael's mom feels that my mom favors Gabriel. I try and stay netural. I know we are moving but they do not. Michael and I are going to tell them together. Anyway, what do I say? What do I do? There is more but it's late maybe some other time.

Basic Medical Procedures

Well I have only one week left of this class. I'm amazed at how fast the time has gone by. But it is a very good thing. I have enjoyed this class very much. This week we have been learning about urinalysis. I had no idea to the extent in which urine plays in diagnosis or the different ways in which to collect it. I know most people are like oooowww. But I find all this very fascinating and can't wait until I actually get to handle and run the different test. I' a very visual and hands on type person. Though I am learning now I will learn alot more once I am able to get the hands on experience. As of right now I am not sure as to what we will be learning next week, but I hope is blood!

My Commitments

I have enrolled in a online school while Michael is gone. We both agreed that this would be a good opportunity for me to go to school since in a way our lives have been put on hold. The school is called Allied Health Institute. I was so worried that with everything that has been going on that I wouldn't do very well and that being an online school made me nervous. but I have to say I have been proven wrong. So far I am making better grades than I did in high school and I'm loving it. It is so nice and hasn't been too demanding for my schedule. I have nap time to do my work and since I don't work outside my home I am able to have plenty of time to my school work. I am very proud of myself since I'm doing so well. I thought I would be stretching myself thin. I still may do that but right now things are going ok.

Anyway I thought I would make a list of all the things I typically have to do every month:

1.) Pay monthly bills
2.) Grocery shop with the kids
3.) Visit Family at least twice a month. (3 hour drive one way)
4.) Call Phone Tree family twice a month and sometimes in between
5.) Attend church either here or KY every Sunday
6.) Kids to Dr whenever
7.) Monthly FRG meetings
8.) Take Gabriel to school every day.
9.) Cook & Clean house
10.) My school work everyday
11.) Work on Christmas packages for Michael and buddies
12.) Mediator for family/problems (enough said)
13.) Keep in touch with Friends.
14.) Dad (enough said)
15.) Work out four to five days a week
16.) Find clinical site for school
17.) Work on preparations for Michael's visit home
18.) Work on family plans for Christmas
19.) Fill out forms for Sherrie for kids
20.) Figure out a way for Michael and I to go away for vacation when he gets home, home
21.) Find Dentist that excepts Tricare Concordia and sees children
22.) Worry about going to active duty
23.) Worry about telling family of plans for going active duty
24.) Worry about Michael and his Buddies
25.) Trying to never forget to pray and read bible

Well I think that is enough for now, I know I'm forgetting some things and I'll add them later when I think of them. But I didn't realize how much there was until I wrote it all down.

Veterans Day

Today is Veterans Day. This is Michael's first veteran's day and unfortunately he is not here for us to celebrate it with him. Instead he is still at the place that made him a veteran. I must say I was disappointed when I went to church this morning and they were not doing anything for veteran's day. I knew today was going to be hard. It's another prominent day that reminds me more of Michael and the fact that he is not here with us.

Thankfully though he was able to call me. He is doing well. Says he may have to leave tomorrow already.It just depends they are having vehicle problems. He has earned a badge or some kinda patch because they saw combat. No one's hurt just a vehicle, thankfully. He says they probably won't go back home until like around the 20th. It was disappointed because they were giving out beer and he missed it because he was working on his vehicle. I told him it was ok he really didn't need it anyway because he hasn't had any for awhile. So he's ok. He can have some when he comes home on leave. But he received all his mail today and is going to have to give like half of it away if not more because he just doesn't really have any room for it all. Well I'm going to go for now because we are going to try and talk online later. YEAH!

Exercise

Well in light of my new attitude I have started working out. I have always been very small in every way, but now unfortunately I have developed love handles. Which is by far the hardest things to get rid of. But I have planned to work out about five days a week. Today I started at a fast pace walk on the treadmill for an hour. Thus followed by some strength training. I currently have free membership to the YMCA because of Michael and I plan on using it. I want to look just as good for him as he does for me. I must admit besides feeling slightly sore I do feel better all the way around. I currently weigh 110lbs. I am 5' 2". I want to be back to my weight in high school which was between 103 and 105. Seems reasonable to me. Five to 7 lbs weight lose does not seem ridiculous at all. To be quiet honest I would love to weigh only 100 lbs. Which is do- able. I plan on going to the gym five days a week as long as no one is sick. Even then I'll try and do little things here at home. I'm very excited about all of this. I can't wait to see the look on Michael's face when he sees how good I look. Plus I can't wait to feel better. Right now I feel run down and sluggish. But soon not anymore.

Michael was kind enough to tell me that he had noticed I was getting alittle bigger around the middle. Plus he said he would like to see my arms stronger. So I have been trying to do little things that will build up my arms right now. They are rather puny I won't argue about that. Yes I have also gotten bigger around the middle as well. Even though it hurt alittle when he said it I know he was telling the truth. Just like I told him of things that he can work on as well. Mainly his middle and upper body. He's legs have aways been very big and decently toned. Well I believe that is enough for now. I currently have an appointment at four and I'm very excited about that as well. Bye for now.

A New Begining

I hope the title says it all. I love to read other peoples blogs. I used to wonder why have I not been able to be as faithful with my own blog? It boils down to everything else that I have not be fully open with. No one actually knows who I am. It's my own fault. Alot of things have happened to me over the years. It's sad to say but only until recently have I just finally opened up all the way to Michael. He is extremely understanding. It hurt me to tell him what has happened but to see the look on his face as I was telling him was almost as hard. I guess, well I know it was a very big shock to him. Since I have opened up I am finding it hard to handle things like I used to. I used to bottle things up and I still am. I'm trying really hard not to but doing this on my own isn't working.

I'm still kinda in denial about alot of things that happened and am still blaming myself. Michael wants me to talk with someone either that has been through what I have or a counselor. I don't want to right now. There is so much going on and my time is already divided. I don't have time for me. Plus to be honest I don't want to do this without him. My own mother doesn't know what has happened. I assume on maybe somethings she may have her own idea but on others no. So It's hard for me to say. No one knows me, some of this is my own fault. Even my old paster has no idea what happened to me. Only Michael and only recently. I feel like crawling under a rock when ever the thoughts and images come back to my mind. It's like having to relive the whole thing over again and I can't stand it. It'll never go away. I just wish that some day I can handle it. I feel disgusted, I try and pray but I feel so unworthy so, to even talk to him about it. I know this is the wrong thinking but I don't know what to do? Someday I may say here but not now it's too hard.

Never Been Good

I've never been good about fallowing through on these things. I always start and never am able to finish. I love to write but then something happens and I have a hard time. I currently have a homw page that I created for my family. http://jenkinsfamily.spruz.com
I also created a myspace page so I can talk with friends from high school. Like Melanie and Barry Ammermann. I also joined an online moms group for wives of deployed military husbands. So I have alot plus I start school on the 29th of this month. Michael gone and trying to vistit family, Scooter's in school and so many more things I'm kinda drawing my self thin. I'm not sure I'll be able to continue with this blog but I would love to. Have to wait and see.

Alone at Last?

Michael left for Kuwait on Aug. 14, 2007.

I am now alone in Indiana with the kids. I have found a nice church that I am happy with. But unfortunately they do not have any small groups. Our friends Molly and Jason leave up near the race track so that's only about 20 mins. away. It might as well be farther. I hardly get a hold of them on the phone. It takes them always a couple of days to get back with me. By then I no longer need their help. This experience so far has taught me to be very independent. I have found Gabriel a school and he starts Sept. 4th. Lydia will also go to the same building but her own class. It's called Kindercare. They are a daycare but they have their own private kinder garden.

I have had some interviews with a couple of long term care homes but they also insist that I would have to be at work by 6am and I can not do that with the kids. day cares don't open until 6am. No one is will ing to work with me because you also have to work every other weekend. My children will already be missing their daddy they don't need me to be away either. I have applied to Ruby Tuesday because I can work only 5 hr a day and that would work out better with the kids. I'm waiting to hear back from them to see if I have gotten the job. I hope I do. I'm going insane at home alone. I need to stay busy. Get out and try to have something of my own life. But pinning away at home over Michael being away from me is just waiting for depression to rear it's ugly head.

I will not succumb to depression. One I have no time and two I really have not allowed myself to give over the time that has been stripped away from my family. there is no point for I can do nothing about this. Life must go on and I'm all I have for my children right now. They need me to be strong. I will cry though. When Michael is home and safe I will only spill those tears of joy and relief. But now it will do no good. I must be strong. It will do no good. I plan on keeping up with this as regularly as possible.

Too Long

I feel awful about the time lapse there has been in my writing. But between the move and Michael there just seems to be no time. I miss the writing but I'm afraid there will be another gap. I will not have Internet access until around July or august. Money issues with Military.

Anyway Besides Michael and moving I've been running alot to the Dr for Lydia. She has been diagnosed with internal tibial torsion along with metatarsus adductus. We have had x-rays done and gone to two different specialists. She also has to see the allergists. Look I'll write more later. I didn't realize how late it was.

So Much

I'm just about overloaded. My poor brain probably couldn't handle any more information about what's going on with the 478th. Plus trying to help with the F.R.G. (Family readiness group). Today I've been trying to find a participating dentist who is in the army's dental program. Tricare Dental with Concordance. I like the Tricare Medical because everything is free and the kids get to keep their same DR. But it's a whole other story with the Dental.

This weekend was long enough. I spent 7hrs. at the unit Sat. and 6 1/2hrs. on Sun. Plus we missed group. I hate that. I had to miss church and then on top of that, group. I always at least try not to miss group. But this weekend coming up thankfully we don't have anything.

The FRG group is made up of a wonderful but small group of women. As FRG we have started our Phone Tree. The Phone Tree will be a way for family members of the soldiers to know what is going on at the unit and with their soldiers over seas. I will be one of the women responsible for the families on my list by not only providing weekly updates but also to see how the families at home are doing emotionally. Plus helping to report problems dealing with lack of contact from their solders to problems with pay. I know this will all be very heavy and hectic, but I love being involved and want to stay as busy as possible. Well I'll give more updates later. right now their is so much to do I don't have alot of time. Plus Michael and I are probably getting sick, with the same thing. Yeah!?

Quick

I am currently without email and will not be able to post as I would like. But I ask those who do read my blog will continue to check in and I will try my best to keep in touch. Things are going good. Just really busy with my school stuff. Pray that I can get accepted for the ADN program at gateway.

Gastrointeritist

I must say first I feel awful for not taking more time out to keep my blog updated. Second I was able to experience my first ambulance ride Friday morning, as I was taken to St. Elizabeth. I don't have alot of detail for I don't really remember alot. I do remember getting up and taking a shower early so I would be out when Mrs. Mains dropped of Elizabeth around 7:30 am. I remember telling Michael that I was not feeling well and then shortly after that the toilet and I became well acquainted.

My mom arrived at some point from school because Michael said he made me a Dr. appointment
and he was going to stay with the kids while she took me. Apparently when she arrived I was lying on the bathroom floor not very conscience. I don't remember much just bits and pieces. I remember everything once I arrived at the hospital. They of course tried to start an IV but from where I have such small veins they quite trying after they blew four of them. (I'm starting as of late to become very found of the colors purple, yellow and green.) Apparently I have a very bad viral infection. They told me it was either caused by food poisoning, bacteria, or a reaction to medicine. I'm thinking it was a bacteria.

Thankfully the kids have not gotten sick. They have been with my mom since Friday. She is bringing them home today. This was probably the worse I have ever felt. Yes even worse than my gallbladder. I am felling much better. I'm still a little weak and my head hurts but other that that it's all good. I'm hoping to make it at least to group on Sunday.

Michael is doing his army thing this weekend. He didn't want me to be home a lone today but I reminded him that my mom was coming later today so I should be fine. He told me that I had better, never scare him again like I did on Friday. I told him I'm just keeping him on his toes. He said he's tired and would like to get back onto his feet. I agree. Hopefully I'm good for a long time now.

School

Yes, I'm going to officially say it. I'm going back to school! It only took me four years to figure out what it is I'm supposed to do, but I really wouldn't change anything. (except maybe my transcripts) I'm not ready to tell what it is I'm going back for. I'm having some anxiety and I don't want the pressure I'm sure I'll feel if everyone knew what it is. Let's just say it's along the lines of helping others?!

Some of my classes that I will be taking will allow myself to take what they call an equivalent, instead of going through the school. More hands on training. One it's cheaper and two I can get an idea what the environment will be like. Make sure before I commit to much. But I have a feeling there's no backing down from this. I know this is short but it's late, I have to get up early.

Side note: I know I said I'd write more about Christmas at the other places, but I've had enough and It's all the same. Well, God bless.

Christmas

I'm sure many of you out there are possibly recovering from the wonderful, yet very hectic Christmas day. Now, I'm thankful that I've had three days to recover before our Marathon picks back up. Families are a blessing but it can get a bit much. I sat down and totaled up the amount of Christmas's Michael myself and the kids have and still have to go. 8 total this year and we cut out 2 or 3 don't remember.
Brief run down:

Dec 23. 9 a.m. Teresa and John Blackaby's house (My mom)
Wonderful had breakfast. Let Lydia take short nap and was overall calm. My sister Andrea, Stepbrother Joshua and stepsister Jordan, were there, Minus Adam and his wife they are expecting Jan. 21 at Fort Lewis, WA.

2 p.m. Farm Bureo Building Jenkins's Family (Michael's Dad's side)
hectic. All smoking done outside of building (thankfully). Michael's cousin Randy informed all that she is expecting twins in May. Michael's cousin Dillian 8th grade fell off skate board, hurt elbow. Gabriel walked into one of the metal support beams that run from ceiling to floor. Grew third eyeball. (OK now) Michael's uncle Stacey refrained this year from fist fight with his brothers. Instead yelled.

Dec 24. 10 a.m. Antioch Mills Christain Church
Wonderful sermon. I loved way it was done from point of view. wonderful pick me up. Gabriel gave Em her present and received a Kiss in return. I couldn't help but laugh. Michael said you couldn't get better in laws.

4:30 p.m. Childer's family Aunt Bridgette's house's
Hectic. Michael's younger cousin's followed Lydia around like she was a live baby doll. I was alerted to her every move though. Everyone kept feeding Lydia and she got a stomach ache. Michael's cousin Tina showed up with a guy and informed everyone they were married. He was wasted at the time of introduction and shortly after passed out in basement.

Dec 25. 9a.m. Jenkins family (Our House)
Nice quiet time with Gabriel and Lydia.

12 p.m. Granny Perkins (My grandma's)
Very nice. My cousin and her boyfriend came with there cute boys. charlie age 2 and Conner age 1 Both with bright blue eyes and red hair. Conner and Lydia are only 11 days apart, Got call that day that they didn't expect my great aunt Ruby to make it. (My grandma's last sibling)

5 p.m. Bill's House (Michael's stepdad's Father)
top by real quick. He had his families Christmas at noon.

5:20 p.m. Christina and Mike Oaks's House (Michael's mom)
Very quiet. Michael's Stepsister's Brooke and Brandy usually come with their families, but they are not getting along with their dad, Mike and won't let him see his grand kids, so it was just us.

Dec 29 6 p.m. Marvin Mains's House

Dec 30 12 p.m. Bishop's Family Christmas (Michael's stepmother's family)

Dec. 31 5 p.m. Jenkins's House ( Here with Michael's Dad, stepmother, sister and her husband)

I'll let you know how these go.
Honestly, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Lydia

My daughter Lydia is now 13 months old now. I have been wanting to find ways in which I may be able to introduce things about Jesus to her. We all sit at the table and pray. We pray before bed and I tell her Jesus loves her. But I wanted more. So like I always should I prayed that Jesus may show me how.
Now, Lydia loves for anyone to read to her. Most children have a book that at one point they make you read over and over again until you can recite the whole thing from memory. Lydia has her favorite book. Not once do I ever get that, not again feeling, when I read her favorite book. I'm over joyed to do this. It is as followed. Her book is :

"The First Night"
By: B.G. Hennessy

At the edge of an old and crowed town there was a field.
In the field were two shepherds and their sheep.
As the sheep slept, a star moved across the night sky.
The star settled over a stable in the town below.
In the warm, dark stable there was a lamb. There was a cow, too, and piles of crisp, yellow hay.
Lantern light shone softly from a rafter above while a donkey slept in a corner.
There was a mother, a father, and a baby. the baby lay on a bed of hay.
the baby was seeing this world for the first time. He saw the swaying lantern, the donkey, and the woolly lamb.
He felt the night air, his soft blanket, his mother's arms, his father's hands.
and in that warm, dark stable his life began.

Isn't that wonderful. I mean I always wondered how I can start introducing Lydia to the story of her savior and one day she comes trotting out of her room with this book. I was so happy. It was amazing to think that God showed me how by my baby bring me a book. Isn't it amazing. Thank you Lord.

War, Why?

(Real quick, Lonnie I would love to have dinner with you all. Of course I will need to talk with Michael when he gets home.)

But not right away. I was able to talk with him last night for just a little bit and it seems what they are doing there is effecting him. He didn't sound like himself. I'm a little worried. What little he told me is that they are trying to simulate what it is like in Iraq as much as possible. So I've tried to let some family know that he may need a little space when he first comes home. He even said they have about 300 hundred Iraq people there playing the part of insergents.

My cousin Josh is a leuitenant and a platoon commander. His platoon has recently been hit. He told the family that they where out in a convoy when a man approched them. Apparently the man had a bomb straped to him and detinated the bomb right beside them. I'll leave out the gorry part but there was nothing left and what was left you could'nt tell what was what. Some of the fragments hurt some of the men in his platoon and had to be taken to the med-vac.

Right before this his men where out patroling on foot. They came across a group of insergents and were pinned down for four days by live fire. By the end of the four days two of his men where dead and another hurt so bad they don't think he'll live.

Pray for my cousin. He soon comes home after spending a year in Iraq. He's home for 30 days and then they are sending him to Afganistan. Pray for Michael. I don't know what he is doing. But all I know are the stories from my cousin and that Michael is training for the possibility of being sent to Iraq. Michael said the rumor is that his unit may-be going in 2009. If he goes, he's gone for a year! When you are in the military you hear the stories that civilians don't. Alot of solider are not ok when they come home.

When Michael and I spent the first nights together after he came back from basic, he would do push-ups in his sleep, in bed! (The drill sargents warned the families that the soilders may do weird things when they came home.) The first few times it scared me, until I realized what he was doing. Only once, but one night I got to experience some of Michael's hand to hand combat training that he was taught. Thankfully I got him to wake-up and stop chocking me. He felt awful but he said his dream was so real. I laugh now about it, but I'm worried if he is sent how he'll be when he comes home?! honestly I would just want him to come home. Hey, I could always learn some hand-to-hand combat training for bed at night.

Awhile

I feel so bad that it has been this long since I was last able to post. But things are doing well. I have a fallow up appointment on wed. the 13th. But I feel almost 100% again. Michael comes back home from CA. on the 16th of this month. It's so hard for him being away. Gabriel doesn't understand time so that makes it hard. Lydia is too young. As for myself. My heart goes out to all those single parents out there.

I know alittle what it must have been like for my mom, after the divorce from my dad. I feel like I'm not whole and I won't be until Michael is home with me. The only part that is good, from his being away is that it reminds me how much I need him in my life and how much I love him. Plus it's hard to have any alone time. That time only comes after the kids are in bed and then you hate to stay up for fear you will be tired. Life doesn't stop because you feel like your going to die if you can't go to the bathroom or take a shower without the baby screaming at the door, or your son has to go to the bathroom and then flushes the toilet while you are in the shower. I just hate this feeling of great lonliness.

I know it wouldn't be so bad if I had some friends or a friend. But it is hard for me to make any becasue when Michael is home he has the car and I can't drive any where. Plus I've never really had any and I don't know who to make any to be honset. Moving all your life either makes you able to make freinds easier or you don't. I don't. Michael and I are dying to meet a nice married couple who has kids and would tolerate going out with us.

Now I don't want you all to get it wrong. We do have family. Yes we spend every weekend at someone's house. But only my parents go to church. It would be nice to have some Christian friends that we could talk to about God. I love our group and they are all nice people. But we don't see them outside group. Michael does go out and have lunch with Chad. which I couldn't be more happier about. Michael didn't exactly have the best role modles or friends when growing up and Chad has become a wonderful friend to Michael. He's challenged him in ways I never dreamed of. Thank You Chad!
I've rambled on enough for now. I'll write more later.